Swimming Upstream

There are things in Life that can sometimes be predicted easily, right down to the most intimate detail, such as measurements, or calendar days or the changing tides in seas. Or much larger things like earthquakes, or eclipses out in space. And it all usually comes down to the scrutiny and study of tracking moving and activity of a particular subject. But how do we then assume the basic instinct of predicting the behaviours of something eratic like the weather...or even more so...a person.

The truth is, we are all creatures of habit, and live according to routine. It's the reason why society has devised and adapted to things like laws and infrastructure, that ensure that there is balance throughout our everyday living. And as human beings, we've adaptapted quite well to the process of evolution, and have also become unpredictable in our ability to change and conform. So are we not then flexible creatures who live outside the boxes of habit and routine? After all, we change in order to keep up with change. But the truth is, it is within human nature to resist the elements, and to challenge our environment that we're surrounded by, how else would we survive.

So then the question is this, in Life, is it better to be flexible, and to change as changes come, and as we learn new things in order to survive? Or do we simply resist change, to ensure the survival of our own individuality and our own ideas, visions and opinions? Because in the end, one way or another, change and adaptability all depends on making life easier for ourselves, in order to survive. Or are we simply kidding ourselves, and like salmon...swimming up against the stream of Life and Evolution.

Making Happiness

Isn't it funny how the most expensive ingredients are usually the most delicate ones, and the ones that are hard to come by are the ones with the shortest longevity. Its generally the case that to make the best recipes, we always require the best ingredients, and that the best ingredients come at the highest price, and even after all that searching, saving and spending, the expiration date still doesn't seem far enough away.

And so it is with life, that the best ingredients to Happiness are the hardest ones to find, such as Love and Laughter. And then there are the ingredients that come at a higher price, such as Success and Patience. And its not as if the processes of mixing, kneading and baking are easy, because most often, finding the balance of all these ingredients can be tough sometimes. Even if you've accomplished all this, life still has a funny way of showing us that even the best recipes for Happiness does not make it last any longer.

So yes...Most often, good things are not really meant to last, otherwise they lose their value. And life knows just how to bring us crashing down, just when you've reached the summit of bliss, not to be spiteful, but to teach us humility. But just because happiness has an expiration date, doesn't mean I'll stop buying. Because even through good and even through sad times...This is my life...And nobody and nothing will stop me from smiling.

Baggage

I have found that sometimes in losing, we gain a lot more in life, than in holding onto baggage that simply keeps your life plane soaring above its limits. And sometimes we may find that there is baggage in our life, that we simply never thought to be baggage at all. Like most things in life that are often not what they appear to be, 'friendships' can resemble the kinds of cargo that one would rather have filled with great treasures, when in fact they're simply a lot more baggage than anyone should be willing and able to bare.

In airports, there are luggage counters, where one has to be checked in with all your luggage before you can get onto a plane that will take you to your desired destination. And at these counters a luggage check is undergone by a clerk who uses a series of mechanical and technical devices, all done to ensure that whatever you're taking along with you, does not compromise the security and safety of the flight, and does not result in defying the laws that keep the society moving as smoothly and effectively as possible in the location your journey will be ending at. You're also only allowed to take along a certain weight of baggage onto the flight, so often people only take along the absolute essentials, to make sure that they're not wasting any measure on things that they don't need to carry along with to their destinations.

So then one has to wonder, if so much stock is taken, and so many measures implemented, all for the sake of ensuring that you have a safe and enjoyable journey from your place of origin to your desired destination, then why do we find it so difficult to do the same in life? Because sometimes one has to do a luggage check, and ensure that what you're carrying are only the absolute essentials, and to simply dump the rest and enjoy your flight. Because if its not there to add value to your journey, then its not luggage your carrying, then its baggage instead.

Brands of Love

Sometimes Love can be like a drug, and just like any addict, one has to find out which is your preferred 'high', and what takes you to the mental, physical and emotional state that you want to be. In essence, its about matching a particular user, to a particular drug, and from there it gets tricky...Its time to find your brand. Because not all are the same, although it may be a specific drug. The method in which it was made, from its point of origin, until the point of purchase or collection, and you can only expect to get out of it what has already been placed in there. But sometimes, there are ways to concentrate, and even enhance your particular drug.

Firstly, there are 3 categories within which the selection process of Love and the usage and practicality of it fall under. One can either attain all of them, one of them, or be blessed enough to have all three. The first understanding is this, that to practise Unconditional Love, requires a test of Character. The second is, that to practise Love Against All Odds, requires a test of Courage. The third is, that to practise Everlasting Love, requires a test of Commitment. But like most drugs, there is a strict prerequisite, a mandate that must be adhered to in order to practise the fine art of Love altogether. The rules are clear and mandatory to all, because in order to practise LOVE...we simply require Compassion.

For in our Character, we find that we can make good decisions, for better lives, and great loves. In our Courage, we can overcome fear, the unknown and accomplish miraculous things. And with enduring Commitment we negate the perils of infidelity and unfaithfulness. But it is through Compassion that we learn the true art of Love in our forgiveness. You see, just because someone does not love you the way you want to be loved, certainly does not mean that they're not loving you with all that they have...The art of loving is perfected through life and living, and sometimes they're just not the brand of love you're looking for.

Assumption

In the Christian bible, Christ tells his disciples to call upon things that do not exist, as though they did exist, and this becomes the practice of Faith. Terry Pratcher tells us that if we can manipulate our minds into focusing on one thing, our body simply believes it and reacts accordingly. The definition of being blind, is NOT having the ability to see physical things with your eyes. And the ability to see the deeper levels of things and then seeing how a situation will play out, is called discernment and intuition.

But today I have found that there are times that all of these abilities and disabilities are ruled out entirely, and simply broken down by a crippling disease called Assumption. Because what do we call the disability to use rationality, and to make practical, concise judgements, where in the end we simply end up creating things that were simply never there to begin with? And to make it worse, we add sensory and sensual assumptions to a thing that does not exist, and give this unborn thing a deformed and irrational life, by convincing ourselves we felt, saw, or heard something, and then name this dead thing 'Mixed Signals'.

We cannot call it dilution, because that implies there are medical and physical factors that have affected the result. And we cannot call it obsession, because that implies that something existed before to fuel it. No, the truth is, sometimes we see what we want to see, only because we're running away from something. Whether it be on a concious or sub-concious level...The only assumption that leads to Assumption is fear of a Fear we assumed.

Love My Nudity

Sometimes love is not just about the next person, and sometimes its not about communication at all...No, sometimes love is just about respect and about sincerity...Sometimes about just standing there, guards down, chin up and open for all to see. How can one be expected to love, and to be loved, when you can't even see all that is there to love? Because unlike fashion, love never changes, and has no collection to bind it in. Its not like the clothing we can simply mix and match...No, its simply like the bare, beautiful skin.

So many people talk of being open, and being transparent, but you can only be as clear as you perceive yourself to be. And in the end, when you're hiding truths about yourself from yourself, then you can never be truly honest with anyone. And in truth, you want someone to love you, for all of you, including the parts you dislike about yourself, the hurts you try to hide, and the regrets you deny you ever had...And those blemishes are the kinds you'll only find when you're truly honest and naked from your 'truths'.

All that's expected in any relationship, is bare honesty. And even though we may feel completely naked under the scrutiny of complete honesty, often its easier to find love without layers of lies. Because in the end, once all the bad and the brutal honesty is out in the open, all you have left are the good truths to live by. Because under all the layers of verisimilitude, we find that the naked truth is worth a lot more to love.

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Lucky Packet

Now I remember the days, and certainly not too long ago, where kids actually went to the store at least once a month, just so that they could purchase that all famous Lucky Packet...You remember? That shiny little packet with the fancy wrapping...And its not like there was anything extraordinary about it at all, it was simply a fad, but what kids really looked forward to, was the prize.

And once you bought one, you showed it of to everyone, and shook the packet trying to figure out what's inside. And I have discovered, that life, and people inside your life are a lot like that. They look interesting, they can even show off at times, and if you're really lucky, you can manage to get one all to yourself. And once you have, you can shake them about, and move them around, waiting to see what else comes out.

But today, I've discovered something totally different. Because I remember, that once you've discovered the prize inside a Lucky Packet, you would cherish it, show it off, stare at it, treasure it, make sure that everyone knew it was your one-of-a-kind, one-and-only prize! So no...I feel like the complete opposite...I have found, that sometimes, you can feel like the thing we all threw away...Yes, I feel like nothing more than the wrapping, of a once treasured Lucky Packet.

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Dry Roses Do Bloom

So whilst gardening today, I noticed a rather peculiar thing. Around six or seven months ago, I had planted a few rose sprouts into my garden, that were green to begin with, but soon turned brown, and looked nothing more than dead twigs. Around the same time I had set my mind on a few goals, some of them of Love and some of Life and Living.

Now it should come as no surprise, that every plant inside a garden, great or small, woody or evergreen, requires nurturing, water, pruning and care. And in the same way, so do our dreams. But these rose stalks seemed long past dead, with little chance of revival at all. And in the same manner, life, like weeds, took over my garden, stealing all my water, attention and care...Until eventually, my dreams, like rose bushes, withered, wilted and dried.

But here's the thing about a dream...Like roses during a dry season, or during a Winter's spell, are bound to look barren, and beyond the point of no return...But...That's not to say that they need any less water than any other plant in your garden. They're simply waiting for the right time and season to sprout. So continue to nurture your nature, and naturally things will fall into their place...And sooner or later, your dreams...Like roses, in Springtime...Will bloom.

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I Choose You

In life we come across many choices, few opportunities, and fewer to love. We find few decisions that live up to expectations, and many loves that don't quite amount to much at all. We find thousands of infatuations that drift off in our dreams, growing up to be everything they've ever hoped for, everything we've ever wanted, and every love we'd love. But what can we call the loves that we have, that are less than the love we once sought?

So the question keeps burning inside our heads, and in the minds of our lovers every time that we're there...What did you find within me to love, if I have nothing that infatuation compares? And furthermore, with temptation banging on a door, so brittle and ready to fall apart, how is it the entrance of your heart remains so tightly shut? With sayings that encourage a lover to love whoever the heart chooses to love at that time, and with so much love to give in our hearts, how does our love compare to those we're meant to love in our life?

Then the answer is this, for now and forever, and the reason from now and forever remains...That I have many choices that fill up my life, and many decisions still left to be made...But one decision I will not drift away from, or try to reason or bend another way...And that is that I have the ability to, the opportunity to, and time to look out through my window pane. But one way or another, we'll still find each other, and I'll always choose you tomorrow, as I did today...Yes...I choose...YOU.

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Less Than Love

I have recently discovered a mistake somewhere in Love...that occurs some time after being In-Love, and its the occurrence of falling out of Love. So now its possible that somehow someone has the unfortunate potential of discovering that they're not quite as In-Love with a person they've built magical memories with, and can miraculously find Love elsewhere at that very happening?

Then one has to wonder if they were simply in-love with the idea of Love, and of being In-Love with the thought of You, or the grand plan of sharing a life with anybody, but so happens its you. And if so, then all the times they said "I Love You", was it directed at You, or directed at Love, or just directed to the person they've always wanted to share their life with, a role that just so happens to be occupied by You. It simply baffles me to come to terms with the notion of falling out of Love, and that it should rather be synonymous with being too cowardly to admit that they simply messed up.

You cannot accidently lose Love, or forget it somewhere and find it misplaced...Its far too great to be blind to it, so how could it never be found? But then again...Whoever said they misplaced anything, or that ignorance happened across them? They simply and deliberately picked it up and threw it away...then left it there...to die.

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Border Patrol

I have always understood one fundamental thing, both in life and in love, that there is a clear and distinct line that separates that which is right from that which is wrong, like oil and water or black and white. But although the divide is as clear as glass, how is it that some people still knowingly choose what is contrary to their moral beliefs? And the answer begins with you...

I was asked a question, about absence in a relationship, and about the causes of unfaithfulness and infidelity. The cause will always be the same...Its not distance or neglect, or taunting or differences, its a lack of communication and border patrol. Morals and the sentiment attached to them have always been the foundations of a society's conscience, but border patrol and law and order or the things that hold it in place. Nobody will know to choose right from wrong, until they know the implications involved in choosing the latter, or what it would mean to the affected person/s, and even more so, how much choosing the right thing please the person/s who benefit.

You see, the only time someone begins to question whether or not they can choose wrong from right, is when they are tolerated the options, and when there are no clear boundaries separating the two. There is no excuse for infidelity or unfaithfulness, but its not infidelity if nobody says its so...

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Heart-Felt

Something I've learned in Life and especially through being in a relationship, is that somehow in all the instant messaging and telecommunications, society has somehow handicapped itself from its general ability to communicate sensibly, passionately, and overall effectively. And one has to wonder how a species so far up the chain of evolution, has evolved into a state where its grown incapable of communicating and processing information through the basic channel of person to person conversation.

And to make it worse, its no surprise that in these times we find couples celebrating month to month anniversaries, instead of celebrating the annual tradition, simply because its considered a triumph when a couple makes it passed a single month! But the truth is, relationships cannot last without the basic concept of communication, so why then do we act so surprised when they fail to last?

So here's the absolute truth...Couples will often say that they communicate...But really, do they? Whoever said you listen, feel and communicate with you ears, hands and mouth? You 'hear' with your ears, but listen with your heart. You touch with your hands, but feel with your heart. You speak with your mouth, but communicate with your heart...In all things, especially relationships, wisdom and understanding begins with communication...So open your heart and listen to life, feel your passion and communicate in love.

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Expect The Excepted

Ghandi once wrote about every man loving his neighbour, and that the result would be that no man would be without love. Muhammed wrote about loving ones enemies, so that you may receive love unconditionally in return from Allah. Christ wrote about loving your neighbour as you love yourself, as he loved the the church. But one way or the other, it all begins with YOU.

If we, ourselves do not know the meaning of Love, then how can we be expected to show it to another? And Love they say, begins with knowing who we are, and if we do not know that, then how can we know of Love? But in order to know ourselves, we have to bode questions, and it is this that people fear...Questioning oneself. You see, the thing we fear is not what we'll find once we start asking questions about who we are, it's about what we won't find that scares us. We fear that we'll discover that all the things that we thought make up who we are, is in fact not there, and that this whole time we've been living the illusions of who we want to be, who we thought we were, and in essence...living in the contrary.

Yes, Love requires Introspection, and is mandatory in a relationship, and cannot be excluded or excepted in the discovery of Life. When Introspection becomes an exception, then the only choice left from a small selection of Life choices, is to choose not to Love. And the only thing then left to question is this...Is Life and Living really worth not loving in?

The Green Grass

Now there's a tale about a place that too many long to be. Its the place we've all imagined ourselves in, hoped to reach, envy those we thought were there, and desperately strive to grab onto the things we think will get us closer there. We've convinced ourselves into believing that all of life, all our efforts and endeavours, all our successes and achievements must all grow towards the ideals and ideas of that particular place, and even if we couldn't get there, we would make whichever sacrifices were needed in order to get as close to it as we could and simply call the race the pursuit of happiness.

Yes we've all heard of the magnificence and the lush of the green grass in that place we call The Other Side, beyond our reaches, across the mysterious fence. Indeed, heard of it, but has anyone ever really been there? I can't understand what on earth the big fuss is about climbing a fence just to get to a place so that you could enjoy the 'splendours' of smelling the lawn and lying on turf! And then there are those who know they can't reach it, so they copy the Jones' and attempt to grow some green grass of their own, only because that's the idealised image of a rumoured success.

Yes, as the song goes...Someone once told me the grass was much greener on The Other Side, but I paid a visit, and it's possible I missed it, it's not different, it's exactly...the same.

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Weeds

In the lush of the Amazon, or the barren Sahara, from the frosty Everest, even to the scorching Equator, no set of conditions in nature has stopped the spread and devastation of weeds. They sprout out from the soil of the earth, grasping and clinging tightly to the ground, firmly holding their position and ensuring once they're there, they'll stay.

And like the common garden weeds, we sometimes find in Life and living, that the most dangerous ones, are those you can't detect at all. The grow in and onto your life, like parasites, stealing the goodness from the blossoming flora that you've nurtured in your life, tirelessly, endlessly, relentlessly and positively. Some of them impersonating the roles of good plants, and others just tangling their roots around yours, claiming to offer you a better Life with them, than that without.

But as any gardener will tell you, and any florist knows, it takes a good amount of pruning and weeding to grow. That only through experience you learn to tell the weeds from the willows, and you'll learn which flowers are there to benefit your Life, and which ones must go.

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Obstacle Course

Life, like an unending road, stretches on over hills, through valleys, over mountains, past rivers and along many seas. And as it winds around its curves and passes through its caverns, it too faces the harsh weathers that blow through life, unleashing many storms, scorching heat, cracks along its path and potholes in its paves.

But every now and then, we have to face the unnatural obstacles along the road of Life, the hurdles placed there by the people we encounter in our lives. And stretching over these countless hurdles can become immensely exhausting, but strengthens our muscles to better our performance as we journey along Life. So what benefit then do the other obstacles on that road bring us? Like the boulders we hit time and time again. And like the mountains we have in the world today, which have grown so enormous that we had to assign names, so do we too assign names to our obstacles.

I haven't many obstacles, but by now a fair few. Like "Failure", "Ugly", "Stupid", "Naïve", "Desperate", "Privileged", "Ulterior Motives", "Live Your Life"...But today I found that my most challenging one, caught me totally off guard..."Abusive". Hurdles can build us, and teach us to jump higher in Life...But what do we do with the weight of an unshakeable, unbreakable, heart-hitting boulder?
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Forget To Remember

Sometimes in life we reach a place where we realise that the only thing we're really doing, isn't living, but rather learning...and furthermore...learning how to shield ourselves, protect our hearts, avoid and run away from painful and traumatic experiences. And really, it's not the initial shock of the experience or the sting of a cold dagger puncturing our hearts, but rather the festering wound that we later have to live with. And every time you find yourself going through the motions of a similar experience, or find yourself treading on familiar territory, your mind wakes up and goes back to the place you once were before, and the icy discomfort of an anxious heart sends pins and needles surging through your body, and the only physical action you can possibly muster up, is the only thing you haven't forgotten how to do after your body freezes up and mind goes blank, is to empty your tear ducts...and cry...

Yes, sometimes your body, your heart and your mind, learns to develop a series of systems that are designed to safeguard your life from going through further traumatic experiences, by using your worst fears and your darkest memories like an alarm system to warn you when danger is near, and to keep the things that could potentially hurt you at bay. But how can we hold on to any new experiences, good memories and sweet, stolen moments, when our hearts are to full to accommodate anything other than the bad memories therein, like unwelcome tenants that are simply stuck in our lives...We cannot possibly catch a little bit of hope with hands grasping so tightly onto despair.

So I guess you could say that the only solution is to learn to move forward, to let live and let go. And yes, it never hurts to be cautious and careful, and to be wise in everything we say and do, it's just part of protecting ourselves against a very real and scary world. But we should never fool ourselves into caging our hearts into clear cut, glass boxes that we never use. Sometimes it's good to remember to forgive, to remember to forget, and even wiser to forget to remember...

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Test Pattern

As an absolute fan of all the latest and greatest in technological enhancements we find in the world today. Whether it be communication, accessibility, finance, medical, entertainment, art, commercial or residential...Everything has been turned into a three-ringed technological circus! As if humanity took one big bite out of a science-fiction novel, and regurgitated all the fancy stuff we see today...Now I have found that my life has become quite dependant on all this technology, and even my emotional stability and relationships have become reliant upon the international super highway...otherwise known as...the Internet.

You see, with everything becoming so convenient, so extravagant and so fast-paced, somehow we've all forgotten exactly how to communicate on human levels...Nobody talks anymore, we 'chat'...Nobody listens anymore, we 'download'...Nobody sees anymore, we google...Nobody is present anymore, we're simply 'Available'...Yes, everyone's kept their 'Busy' icons on for far too long in life, and now we've found that our 'Contacts' have all been reduced to a global social network, and that somehow the planet has shrunk...Everyone knows everyone, from some place nobody knows about...

But today I stand 'Blocked' from the world, left without that 'Wi-Fi' connection from the people and places I deeply care about...Or at least, not people but the one person I need...Left with only one thought "Subscriber Unavailable"...No, you cannot 'Unfriend' Life, and you cannot 'Block' Circumstance, and you'll never be able to 'Deactivate' yourself from the journey that you're meant to walk along...Try as you might, you have to be strong, and if you lose your signal, your beacon of hope...its easy to find, it'll always be the...Just turn the switch and look for the Test Pattern.

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Spare Parts

I've always been the type of person who enjoys being part of a project. Whether it be the one initiating everything, coordinating anything, facilitating something or forming part of a group of things, but one way or another, simply being involved...Just the idea and the feelings of knowing that you play a role in the happening of something that matters to someone...anyone...or maybe even everyone...Either way, I have always enjoyed being involved. I suppose you could call it a lack of attention, or a want to be wanted, but whatever it is, I have it.

And of course things couldn't be better for a person who needs to be needed, especially in a world filled with dissatisfied needs, and even more so, someone who enjoys building and bonding in relationships, since those are the types of projects that usually last the longest, require the most maintenance, and will always have capacity for another need...But unfortunately, like every other avid contractor, project manager and all-rounder team player, who all dread a single acronym in the world of construction and projects...D-I-Y...And the phrase "I can do it myself"...

No there is no " I " in "TEAM", and certainly not an "M" or "E" in "Unity"...So why then is it, that when emotions become unstable, and when a partner loses the drive, the ego boost, the utility belt in the 'Project', do the letters in "Relationship", curiously change to "D-I-Y"? And now suddenly I find myself feeling excluded, feeling un-involved, feeling like the last thing you find in a building project...Yes, all of a sudden I find myself simply feeling like "spare parts".
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Amplified Silence

I have learnt that everything in the universe emits a unique and particular sound...a series of vibrations, squashed together that form waves of sound. Now I have come to know a very particular sound in my life, and it too has a very unique series of vibrations, in fact it has one long flat line...it’s called the sound of silence. And it’s not the kind of silence you get when you take away all the noise, the music, the ambience or the voices in the room. It’s the kind of silence you get when you take away the beautiful sound that once came from a thing, a place, a person...that once occupied a special space.

Now unlike music on a radio, or the volume on a television...this is the kind of sound that cannot be toned down, or turned off, or drowned out or blocked at all. You see most sounds come from a place on the outside, in a place, in an environment, from an external source...but this kind of sound came from a place much closer to home, much closer to me, from me, part of me, inside me, the only part inside me that really counts...my heart...my soul...and it has a name...Love.

To make matters worse, the sound that once occupied the space, the place...my heart...was the one thing that drowned out the noise in my life, the distractions, the problems and the moments where things seemed like they couldn’t possibly get worse...and now the sound is gone, and in its place...Silence...the chilling hush of a scary hum...like the low frequency sound that comes from a speaker playing absolutely nothing. And lately the sound of the silence has been growing louder, becoming more apparent, and almost deafening. Yes there’s nothing more annoying, more distracting and depressing than the sound of the emptiness...when silence is amplified.

Undecided

How strange life must be for the Unexpected, the Unappreciated, the Unintended and of course...the Uninvited...You see, Life, as they say, has a very strange way of throwing together the best of the worst circumstances and the last of the best intentions, and placing them all into a set of paralleled incidences and waits to see just how well we all intend to deal with it, then watches how unconventionally things really play out, and how the orthodox menagerie of ideas and opinions being catapulted from social fronts hit the stony walls of routine and bias, watching them crumble to dust in a moat of "I Told You So's"...

Murphy's war waging in our lives sends irony smashing deep within our walls of preparation, like cannon balls shot from the intruding warship docking onto a bay of carefully laid out plans, crushing the shells of schedules, leaving a once peaceful port, left in ruin by a band of pirates known only as the Unintended. Then there's Fate, waging her own private war, with her own javelins of juxtaposition, laying waste to pasts and presents and remnants of inconceivable When...changing the view of our vast horizons of Life, razing our solid watch towers to the ground with a fierce inferno known only as the Unexpected. Until finally within our own walls, a coo is being staged and a riot carried out, from the highest of ranks, to the peasants below, and while chaos ensues a kingdom, like karma breaking down the gates of goodwill, an inquisitor defying rhyme and reason, seeking only its own truth in a lie, known only as the Unappreciated...

But above all I tell you, the most wicked of things, the most pitiful, vile and sinister of assassins, are the ones we watch walk right through the main doors, give passage to our courtyards and access to the throne...They are the ones who brew bogs of abhorrence, wielding weeds of war and the rumblings of rage. Malignant and malice are the thoughts that dangle in their minds, masked by pretty smiles in a masquerade ball...Beware the vengeance of dissatisfaction, their lust for pleasure cannot be justified by promises of instant gratification, a helping hand for the here and now...For they are the ones you leave open the door to your life...the 'friend', the 'concubine'...to the queen is also known as...the Uninvited...

Canvas

I have come to learn more and more about the work of an artist, and how they search and search for inspiration in their lives...of how they search for people, places and purpose in life, all for the love of finding a moment, an instinct, a spark of inspiration...all in the hope that they can sum up all their thoughts, views, opinions and ideas of a particular subject, or perhaps of all subjects in general...trying to capture all of this, on a perfectly clean canvas.

But finding the correct subject matter to capture can be hard sometimes...and sometimes everything and everyone fights so hard in Life to become part of a glorious artwork, trying to portray themselves as the perfect muse, able to inspire the imagination of the artist, trying to ignite a thought, a spark of wonder, a divine connection within the artist...trying to draw themselves closer to the artist, hoping that the grand talent will capture their presence, their aura, their own mystical self in the brilliance and magnificence of a painting, unknown, unnamed, undecided and unexplored by the thought of a man, untamed by society, untouched and unharmed by the palette knives of Life...But in truth, the artist remains unmoved and his thoughts unchained, fixed to the inhabitance and independence of his own majestic overture playing in the freedom of his mind, the prelude to his masterpiece, the crescendo of his development...his dream...his growth...his journey...of a thought.

I have found that the same applies in life...in lives...my life...that there are times when people slowly find themselves getting tired of forming the frame of your life, and find themselves left with the urge, the deep desire to form part of the picture...So if you find yourself in a place of indecision, and things spin out of control...think of this...if life is a canvas, and your time and place the frame...then the only person who can decide who and what goes into the picture, is the painter, the artist...the creative, imaginative...YOU.

Drowning

There are points we reach in our life, when we stop and realize that we've actually managed to fool ourselves and everyone around us into thinking that everything is fine, that we're coping, under all the pressure, we're managing, getting by one step at a time. Until we take another look at ourselves in the distorted reflection of who we are in the passing ripples in the deep, deep waters surrounding us, and we realize that even with the wake of a future hoped for, a past forgotten, and a present engaged, we realize that with or without the noise in the water, we don't recognize ourselves, and for a brief moment coming to the frightening realization that we don't even know how we got so far from the shore and how we've moved in so deep, and beyond the shock of the awakening, fanning our hands out and vigorously waving our arms to any passer by to see us, to find us, despising the smiles and the friendly gestures, simply because they couldn't possibly understand that we're not here waving...we're drowning...

Somehow the rough waters of Life have the tendency to just pull us in deeper and deeper into it's violent seas, and without even a moments notice, we can find ourselves too deep into the rocky coasts of confusion without anything to hold onto...and like the sea, Life can wash us around and around in it's rough waters, pushing and shoving, tumbling and turning, throwing us around like little buoys in the ocean...But here's the thing about buoys...through the stormy weather and the restless waters of a raging sea, they manage to stay afloat no matter what.

So here I am...floating...drifting by and by, being tossed around by the waves of Life on the waters of actuation...And I find myself taking a moment to realize this - That in Life, no matter how deep the waters go, no matter hard you are tossed and turned by the crashing of mighty waves, the point is that you continue the fight to stay afloat. Because even like random pieces of debris and driftwood find their way back to land, so too we all eventually, at some point or another find our way back to the shore...

Haven

I have found that there are places, little spaces in this world, that were built and designed long ago, that make us feel safe, secure, special and comforted...some of these places are hidden from us, while others fully exposed. Like safe houses for the lost or broken, we can run towards them and find that all the cares of the world simply vanish in an instant from the moment we enter into the domain, and wrap ourselves in the warmth and comfort found within that space, surrounding ourselves with the love found in that one place, that special place...a haven just for one...

There are beacons in this world that we find along shorelines, standing tall on cliff edges, that shine their lights as far into the seas as they can, to warn and guide ships of the approaching land...they are the things that guide ships to safety, sailors to refuge, warn you of the coming dangers and protect you from them...yes, even lighthouses, simple structures, can be called by the same name...haven...

Now I have reached a place in my life, where I feel safe, where I feel comfortable, where I feel the warmth of love and the generosity of kindness. A place that I can go to, where my thoughts can be guided toward safety, and my heart can be steered away from harm. Yes, I have found my safe house, my refuge, and sometimes a place for my heart to call home...yes I have found my haven, except...my haven is a lot more simple, and bares a few my layers, has great potential, and a lot more room to grow...and sure enough I certainly don't call my heart's home haven...my haven is called by another name...

Pros & Cons

I've come to learn that life and living cannot be divided into two sections...black and white...and that not all decisions can be as simple as right or wrong...and that sometimes we cannot base our choices on weighing the options of pros and cons...instead it's all about who you are, where you find yourself in life, what your willing to live with and how long you're willing to live like that for.

Having learned a little bit about responsibility and sacrifice, I have somehow managed to develop a sense of prediction, a gift of discernment, and have grown my prowess in being able to read much more into people and situations than the average person. And having learnt all of this I have been able to make clear, conscious decisions about what I want out of life and which direction I am heading in. And along the way in discovering and nurturing these gifts, I have structured a system of rules and prerequisites, which along my travels in life, measures I have put in place to enable me to make, not the right choice, but the most suitable ones.

But the Scales of Life has never wished to be controlled by any man walking along it's rocky and narrow pathways, or having the ability to predetermine it's actions, or being able to tilt the the balance of fate itself in the direction you would like to see it loom. Yes, sometimes our decisions in life cannot simply be seen in black and white, cannot be judged by good or bad, and won't always be able to be weighed up and calculated according to it's pros and cons. Because here's the catch, the curve ball, the snag...sometimes the best decisions, the brightest futures, the greatest loves of all time will tilt the Scales of Life the wrong way...because what happens if the cons outweigh the pros? Are you willing to leave the best version of you standing there, or willing to make the sacrifice, take up the challenge and turn the cons into pros? Sometimes life isn't just about one of two choices, sometimes the road less traveled can be the greatest journey ever taken...and the best decision ever made.

Distance

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, no matter how outrageously and hopelessly in denial you want to place yourself in, there are just some things you cannot change, some things you have to accept, some things you have to realize, leave it be and perhaps...move on. It’s an empty space, a sort of measure of nothingness between two people, a divide that cannot be conquered or covered...no...sometimes the one thing keeping two from ever having that spark, that connection...is Distance.

It amazes me how sometimes two people can grow as close as any two people can ever get, share the same space for long periods of time, connect on every possible level ever, share every possible thought that they ever possibly can, know what each other’s thoughts are without even saying anything, but somehow, yes somehow there’s a void, a space between them, a constant divide that keeps them apart...Distance. What makes it worse is the fact that once you’ve had that connection before, and you know what it feels like, and you know what it’s meant to be like between two people, and suddenly when you’re moving onto something new, and it simply does not exist there...that...connection...then you realize how wide the space is between you two, and you realize that there isn’t a thing in the world that could possibly bring you together, so all you do is close your eyes and for a moment you pretend...just pretend it’s there...the connection between the Distance...nothing more than a naive hope...the imaginary connection, but still...Distance. And there’s nothing worse than getting an intimate hug, or a gentle kiss, and taking a short moment and realizing...there it is again...the cold shiver creeping up your spine, the dark divide, the unoccupied space, the emptiness...Distance.

Then the question that remains is this...Is it okay to simply pretend, to make a sacrifice in love, hoping that someday, sooner or later, the gap will close up, and that two people will grow closer, more together, more like one...or would it be healthier to realize that there are some connections that cannot be rediscovered simply by hoping that time will bridge the gap through the art of pretence, and it would simply be better to break a non-existent connection, before one day you realize that you’ve wasted your time, and end up with nothing more than regret? Then the answer is simple...something you cannot deny...that the only connection that will ever become the most prominent one, is not commonality...but Distance.

Perfect Timing

So someone once told me that we can’t all be perfect all of the time, and perhaps, against my better understanding of the term, to a point, can be true. However, we live in a world that is constantly changing, always evolving and always pushing the boundaries and limitations set upon it by society, nature, time and space. But here’s the thing about perfection, or perhaps about being perfected...is that people change and so do opinions, depending on the time, the place and conditions that they find themselves in, and depending on the things that influence the very fibre of their being, and sooner or later what was bad today is good tomorrow, or what once was flawed is seen as perfected today. So perhaps the question we should be asking ourselves, isn’t whether we’re perfect or not, it’s about how more than imperfect we are at the time.

Produce in a garden can never truly be predictable, unless we are 100% sure of the time it takes for them to grow, the conditions under which they will grow better and faster, the place they need to be located in order to grow at all, the season they are willing to grow in, and to what proportions they will grow to, which is also dependant on how much space they have, and until you can predict all of this, until you can get all of this right, until you allow yourself to grasp the concept and understand the process of a harvest of perfection, you’ll never be able to get things ripe. Yes, a harvest of perfect fruits can, at some point, be achieved if everything that makes up the perfect timing for ripening, are granted to the seed, then perhaps perfection isn’t that farfetched an idea to the farmer who must learn to be patient to grow. Then think of smooth, velvety, red wine that seems to grow more perfect and better with age. It takes a long time to get the ingredients right, and the process of growing the grapes perfectly, under the right conditions, during the right seasons, and in the right place, squeezing them all under the right amount of pressure, storing them all in the right wooden crate, adding just a touch of the right flavours, and waiting just the right amount of time to displace the lot into individual bottles, then sealing the bottle with the right cork, then leaving it in just the right space for time and passing to perfect it kindly, waiting patiently for the right patron to come by who hopefully will learn to place it under the right temperature until that person has found the perfect taste to pair up with that perfectly aged wine to linger on a perfectly selected pallet, and hopefully you’ll find yourself sipping on the perfect glass of wine. You see sometimes it’s not about being perfect that counts, but the long and hard process of being perfected. Are we not perhaps being too harsh on ourselves, by saying that we’re not or at least far from perfect? Perhaps we grow more into our own perfect selves with each passing second, or moment, or day?

No...perfection and imperfection is all about timing, all about location, all about the conditions and the people in that time and place. Perhaps that’s all life really is about, perfection and perfecting us until we are ripe and ready to pass on into another life, another lifetime, to perfect us for our passing on. For in truth nature is all about balance and imbalance, and you cannot for long have perfection in that space. So maybe there is a moment, a time and place for you to reach perfection in the eyes of a less than perfect person in a less than perfect space, but it will never last forever, so no we can’t all be perfect all the time, but we can grow to be more perfect every time. And perhaps one day we’ll reach perfection, even for a brief moment, but it’s never meant to last. So don’t give up trying to be happy, after all, isn’t Happiness perfection’s perfect place?

I am...RIGHT NOW...

So lately I've been wondering about the concepts of individuality and individuation, and I've stumbled upon a question that leaves me pondering upon a few thoughts. Can we truly call ourselves unique, or ever really consider ourselves as 'individuals' in a world saturated and riddled with influence, can we really?

I once heard someone tell me that we grow more into ourselves, but that bodes another question, and that is, who is this 'self' that we so strongly yearn to be, and fight so hard against social influence and peer association, who is this person, this 'self' that we're meant to be? Aren't we perhaps expecting too much from our 'selfs' and is it really as good as who we are willing to be? At the end of the day, there's never really anything good about settling, but sometimes, isn't it better to accept what you have right now, who you are right now, and perhaps realize and acknowledge that the current version of you is perhaps a touch better than any BETA you? That perhaps the latter you is not quite as good as the former, and that sometimes going backwards is the best way forward?

So the final question I guess is this. Who are we really, and who are we meant to be, if all that we are right now, are but pieces of our past, habits of our present, results of experiences, remnants of loves lost, and the broken whole of a hoped for future which you hope to be better than the future you've already imagined in your past, or as good as the present you never expected, and perhaps even better than the future of your past? Is this perhaps as good as it will ever get?

Greater than or Equal

Do you realize how hard it is to define the meaning of a word, that’s supposed to make you feel unique, a cut better than the rest, different in a good way, that gives you the kind of confidence which allows you to walk upright with a smile, that just gives you a natural glow no matter where you are, that lights up a room when you enter, a meaning that people seemed to have lost along the way, or has simply been watered down by a society built on independence, democracy, freedom and equality? Yes, I’m sure you can imagine the difficulty I’ve had in defining the fine line that separates the entire balance of society from being average or being special.

When we’re young, perhaps even infants, each of our parents take one look at us, and take a moment to stare and perhaps even disappear in a world lost in their imaginations, where they can paint beautiful pictures of great expectations, hopes, dreams, career options and endless possibilities, taking a moment to lose themselves entirely in a moment hoped for in time, taking a moment to immerse themselves in a lifeless thought, trapped in a time that hasn’t even existed yet, saying to themselves that against all odds, in a world cold and callous to the thought of you, that you and you alone, your individual self, curled up in the love of a parent-figure, that you...are special. And yet somehow, at some point the thought begins to rub off, either by subliminal messaging, or by the constant droning and propagated by the influence of our parents and those who look up to us, down upon us, inspired by us, or hope never to be like us, somehow the thought of you being special sinks in somewhere, causing us to believe that perhaps...just maybe...there’s something unique about who we are, thinking to ourselves...yes...I’m special.

But eventually we realize, that the fine line that divided the great from the not so great begins to blur, and the solid veil that once separated the mighty from the fallen begins to fade, and in the disfigured shadows and silhouettes of what once was the slightly imperfect idol of greatness...being special...is torn down and left to wither away by the gale forces of society’s wind of change, the gauntlet of communism and the gavel of capitalism, the mighty scales of equality weighing down the trees of success we nurtured our entire lives, cutting off its wealthy supply of egoism and selfishness, teaching us the ideologies and concepts of a level plain...yes, the concept of equality brings down our soaring skyscrapers of conceit, as if to pose a challenge to breach the limitations set upon us by society and ourselves. So the question remains...what makes us special, especially living in a society that says we’re all equal? Is equality just another way of forcing humility down our throats, or is it there to challenge us to be better than ourselves?

The Vile Pit

Like pestilence and disease that spreads throughout a bog of malignant maleficarum, a hopeless horde of restless men, like a bacteria, spread throughout the new age Zion, tainted by the lust and the corruption of sadism, anarchism, narcissism, taken over and cut down by modernism and minimalism in its black rivers, stony lakes and concrete trees, overpowering the morality and the purity of the just and true, throwing them to the flames of bureaucracy and blatancy, forging and moulding them into the twisted and misshapen design of perfection, the puppets and pawns of a long-lived lie, like a blight through a land once rich and ripe of hope and happiness, left to the demise of its own selfishness, to die in its own waste and wickedness, its own dead and decay, not bodies, just spirits of the once loved and longing...nothing more now...than a dirty Vile Pit...the Community is turned to a brothel of abhorrence, the abominations of love, truth, honour and hope...a lifestyle without life, a hope without hoping, love without loving, a cesspool for the world...for man...for men...

The pure and holy temple, once built and maintained by families of men, held up and supported by mighty beams and pillars of friendship, now broken and torn down by the dreads of life, the fears of its own fragility, the misunderstandings and the collisions of broken love and corrupted by the pains of its own humanity, its own mortality, a sacrifice leaving its solid walls brittle and crumbling within itself, with only its foundation left standing in the abyss of obscurity, a misguided memory of a once cherished past, the beginning of an end to an unknown story of a temple that once stood high in the heart of the now poisoned city, in the hearts of men, like a beacon of hope to the needy, the memorial for the grieving, the lighthouse of successes and dreams, now lifeless and lonely...razed to the ground.

Now it all stands, stagnant and dying, like still waters saturated in a primordial soup of nothingness, laced with emptiness and a shallow disdain. The Vile Pit is left there standing, waiting for it’s naive and unbeknown prey. But like many diseases and plagues that throughout the existence of men have been dealt with before, so too will the pestilence rife in the pit, dissolve in the counter-measure made by men. A cure designed and delivered by the hearts of men, the souls of our own uncorrupted self. A measure of truth and a touch of love, this fears The Vile Pit for its own demise. For in time, everything in nature must find its own equal opposite, bending the balance of life back on its path. So know and understand the Community well...The Vile Pit where the wicked and sinister dwell.

Advance To Begin

So oddly enough, and perhaps not too surprising, I find myself in a quiet place, simply vanishing from the world, lost in a deep trail of thought, contemplating about many things, but mainly about life...not just my life, but lives...or perhaps even life in general. Thinking about all my endeavours, and about lessons learnt, about adventures had, roads travelled, taverns explored and strangers met and lost along the way of my journey through life thus far. I find myself thinking about other people’s lives, like the strangers I have met and lost along my travels, trying to figure out what their adventures and travels must have been like, and how it is that they came across a pathway that lead them to me? I find myself thinking about the pathways and about the roads and taverns, rivers and seas running along the map of life, and whether everything along the road to living was meant to be, or whether choices and change leads all of these things, leaping and overlapping layer after layer, one on top of the other, all leading to what we call destiny, hoping that we can find some sense of accomplishment in what we is a well and fully explored life. And looking back at the tracks I’ve left behind, trying my best to remember all that I’ve encountered and all the paths not taken, I can’t help but wonder, have I chosen all the best paths, made the most sense of my direction, or even worked out some kind of plan about exactly where I want my journey to end...not necessarily to destiny, but rather some kind of destination whatsoever?

Board games are a lot like life I realized...you get movements, directions, opportunities, obstacles, progression, regression, diversions, growth, incentives, surprises, risks, clues and so much more...Except, here’s perhaps the difference between life and a board game...A board game, though filled with direction, have a very set course which one has to follow. While some have diversions and detours, depending on the choices one makes when an opportunity or obstacle comes your way, eventually they all lead to the same two places...either you win or you lose the game. But life, on the other hand, is not quite so clearly cut, no black and white, and isn’t quite as simple. In life there are more risks, more problems, more diversions and detours, sometimes more opportunities and incentives, and at the end of the day, all the paths don’t lead to the same place, and there is no win or lose...the only outcome that is either good or bad, depends on what your opinion of your journey has been, and whether you are happy with the end result yourself. I must also note that the one great thing about board games is this, that you can find yourself given the great opportunity of being given the chance to move forward, or to simply advance, in one step, to begin, avoiding all the obstacles, problems and risks all at once. The problem with that in the game, and in life, is that you may have just passed the greatest opportunity in your life...so one has to ask, is going back or ahead to the beginning really worth the risk of passing an opportunity by?

So that can only leave me with one question, one final request to time and fate, one last soliloquy to beckon a challenge, not only to myself, but also to life, to living and to the living, in the hopes that my life, my mind, my heart and my spirit will bequeath me at least this one last piece of repose...Is starting over just another form of giving up, or is it simply coming to the realization that the only way of moving forward is to advance to a greater future, by moving back to Begin?

Dé Ja Who?

Have you ever stopped and wondered about certain moments in your life, where you feel like the winds of change are blowing, like things are finally moving forward, that finally things are different, right until the time you find yourself blowing into a familiar space, surrounded by familiar faces, wrapped in the same thoughts and feelings you once had before, then stopping to realize that all at once, you’ve simply gone around in circles, in your mind and in your life, where your past has simply entered your present and everything that is happening all happened once before...? Well? The feelings are simple, and the process the same, the moment of history is just life’s little game of teaching you something and telling you this, that it’s time to step off the old tracks of life, which kept you going around and around, and it’s time to make a few new tracks of your own, headed in who knows which direction, as long is it took you to any place but here.

The mistakes in our lives are made without cause, under the worst circumstances, with perhaps good intentions, but lack direction. But the one thing mistakes teach us, is how to grow, how to recover, how to become who we were meant to be, who not to be, where not to go, which directions to take, which barriers to break, which fears to get over and which goals to climb under. The problem is, we get so swept up in the thoughts and feelings we felt whilst going through this amazing process, though tiring and daunting as it may seem, the feeling of loving and learning is indeed overwhelming and exhilarating, but they can only be used and felt once by a single source, and must then be left behind so that we can move forward and build on from there...But for some reason, History loves to find a way to repeat itself, as if our feelings of repression and regret have rubbed off onto time itself, so in an attempt to fix a past, it simply repeats itself in an attempt to bring the moment, the place, the picture, the person, the memory back from the dead, hoping that we can shape it and change it, and find some kind of solace within ourselves. But after exhausting ourselves over and over again, we soon realize that there are some mistakes that cannot be undone, some histories that must remain history, and Dé Ja Vu is simply a process of learning, teaching us to let live and let go...

Yes...sometimes in life we must learn to walk past our Past and move forward beyond the fear, beyond the regret, beyond the “what if” that we so blindly delude ourselves into believing. Sometimes we need to learn that life begins when you learn to let go, forget the past and remind yourself of a future, a better beyond, behind the past, ahead of the present...simply by saying “goodbye”...

Love's Mausoleum

In my short life...yes my very short life, and even so, I must say that I have managed to learn quite a bit. A little of life, and a bit about living, but recently of the Mausoleum dedicated to Love. Yes it’s scary to consider that there is a place, filled with neon lights, mirrored balls and where the hopeful go to mourn, not by wearing black (well at least not all of them), or by shedding tears (well not unless they’re drunk enough), or even by laying flowers down at the resting place of their lovers (that has yet to be considered). No, instead the process of mourning is done through dangling and dancing and flirting for fun, by downing as many drinks as possible to commemorate the memory of a once yet living Love. I suppose you could say that the whole lot there were mad, or completely insane or just high on hopelessness. But the truth simply is this, that we’ve fooled ourselves into thinking that if Love has come and gone, then the place to mourn is where you simply will not find it, hoping that you won’t run into a distant memory, or the faded reflection of the perfect match, that by doing everything lust wants you to do, hoping it will bring you as close to the real thing, but not quite as much...It’s an odd little game, and everyone plays it, everyone falls for it, and eventually one becomes intensely, hopelessly, horribly addicted.

Now I’ve heard of a place once upon a time, a place where elephants that reach a certain age, or the ones that feel they have no fighting chance of surviving much longer, a place that’s serene and comfortable...a place to surrender their last breath on earth...a place they go to die. Now this Mausoleum may not seem very much serene, and it may not be comfortable, that is of course as comfort goes...however, to some it’s familiar, it becomes normal, it becomes regular, in other words...comfortable. But elephants and humans are not the same at all. They have an outstanding memory, people always seem to want to wash theirs away...They have great strength and dexterity, people always seem to surrender to the day...They can swim across rapid and rocky rivers, people can barely hold their heads above life’s waters. No...elephants and humans are hardly the same. So I find myself wondering what exactly attracts people to a place that they know is filled with nothing more than diseased hopelessness, a massacre of lust and debauchery, a pit of drunken despair?

So after much searching, and digging as deep as I could, I finally discovered the answer to why this Lamoure Memoriam was built, and why so many down-trodden have ventured therein...and to my surprise, and great disappointment, much like elephants go to their cemetery...the Elephant Graveyard...to look one last time upon a long-lived life, and to gather a last glance of the life they’ve lived...The Mausoleum, is simply a place, for the hopeless and heartless to leave Love there...to die...

Miserere

There’s an old chapter hidden in a book, filled with countless lessons of life and learning. But this particular section of a more than ancient book, teaches us about a certain act, which in turn teaches us to love, to grow, to understand about life and living...a simple, yet complicated act, a lost art if you will, since it requires elegance, grace, experience and understanding. To the simple mind, and to those who don’t fully understand or haven’t quite grasped the concept, even after reading the same chapter and old verses over and over again...they call it to Forgive and to Forget...But to the wiser, to the more refined, to the intellectual who has never once underestimated the difficulty of the process, or the fragility of the concept and the true purpose of the act...they call it by its true name...a word which sums up the entire process, not just the forgiving or the ridiculous attempt in trying to forget...they call it...Miserere.

There are so many things in life that can harm you. Physical things, natural things, human things and then there’s Life. But the things that hurt you the most in life, are the ones that leave scars in the most unlikely of places, hidden places too hard to find, in places nobody would ever be able to find, places we try to protect from even ourselves...places like the heart. Yes it’s protected by a solid rib cage, and layers of fat, plasters of flesh, barriers of skin and more...but it’s the heart of our existence I’m talking about...the heart beyond the human heart, beyond the shell...the heart of the human spirit, the essence of our being...the Soul. Now it’s very easy to say you have the ability to forgive, and heaven knows with enough drugs these days, you can even forget...but in truth, the real act of forgiveness is much harder than you could ever comprehend. If it were easy, then the post forgiving effects would not linger so, or seem very lasting, like changes in ones personality, or the way you address a similar problem in the future, or even the way you look at someone...if forgiveness were truly forgiving, then nothing would change from what it used to be...everything would be perfectly the same. So no...forgiveness isn’t that easy after all is it?

Then there’s the second process of Miserere...the art of forgetting. And while many people have tried, and tried to convince others that the concept is quite simple, in truth it is not, and is simply ignorance trying to convince you in believing that forgetting will change a thing. No, forgetting is far too hard, when the scars of hurt and pain are yet visible to your human spirit, since it rests in the deepest, yet most obvious places of your heart. A broken soul cannot forget the hurts of the past if it’s still broken...a mended soul cannot forget the scars of the past if it once was broken...a renewed soul cannot forget the history of the once visible scars, when every time it’s forced to look at a place where scars once were and are no longer, it will always remain renewed, but never new again.

So in truth, we can try and try again, to convince ourselves that life is as simple as forgiving and forgetting, but unfortunately it’s not. If life is as simple as that, then life it would seem, is as simple and as hard as learning to forgive and to forget. It’s far too difficult to do both at once, so chances are that the best you can do is simply trying to do one at a time, and learning how to perform the other, and hope that the two will stick. To forgive is clearing all the doubt, the hurt, the guilt and history of the deed that was ever done. To forget is to clear the doubt, the hurt, the guilt and the history that the deed was ever done. So with that you’re left with simply one thought...is life truly as singing the simple psalm...the art, the act...Miserere.

Limelight

Relationships are funny things, especially when you consider the roles that each individual plays within the set, and where they stand with each other, presented to world, much like a stage, when there is only one spotlight shining smack bang in the centre of a room surrounded and filled with an audience of friends, lovers, relatives and acquaintances...all wondering who’s performance to look forward to, and exactly which one should be nominated the award for supporting the other the most. You see, unlike theatre and film, in a relationship the real rewards never go to the lead...no...the Oscar goes to the best supporting actor, who’s efforts and performance always outshines the lead, through his/her wisdom, kindness, gentility, perseverance, love and motivation, sustaining the relationship. Although this is how society has come to create the idea of a relationship, and has designed prerequisites for the process of loving...this is simply not the way things were meant to be reviewed, assessed, critiqued or rated at all. No, the best relationships are the ones that are balanced, the ones that know how to give and take, the ones who know how to share the spot in the room, both taking centre stage and enveloping themselves in the grace of the limelight.

Look at the moon did the sun. You see, the two great orbs that hover in the heavens above us, both have a simple, yet misguided understanding, both of them telling us the story of a relationship that will never ever be able to work well. The sun in all its radiance, glorifies itself, by shouting to the world “behold I’m here, marvel at me”, by shining brightly, filling the solar system with an enormous flare of light, beaming hundreds and thousands of light-years away, ensuring that he is acknowledged and noticed by all the world. And so too the moon is summoned when darkness falls on the edge of the earth, to rise up and reflect the radiance of the sun, shining high above in all its splendour, surrounded by a blanket of stars, ensuring that even on the dark side of the earth, a gentle reminder that the sun, its partner of luminosity, is still sitting on his orbital throne, the leader of a relationship of light. Unfortunately, the sun, like most leaders in a relationship, cannot control the inevitable tide that turns, when it’s moon grows tired of reflecting its glory, and simply decides to eclipse the sun. Like most relationships, when this happens, both individuals that form the couple, simply vanish into what seems to be an eternal darkness, pulling the relationship into a deep and empty nothingness. And things can get even worse, when the tide turns on the moon, and the earth decides to provide a healthy distraction for the sun, and comes between the two, slowly but surely eclipsing the moon.

So a promise must be made, right from the beginning, the genesis, from the pinnacle of creation, the start of a small, yet flourishing relationship...a promise must be made. That your moon must always do its best to support and reflect the goodness, the radiance, the very life giving essence from its great and mighty sun, promising never to eclipse him. And your sun must do all that it can, and must promise to always shine bright upon its moon, creating the luminosity of the beautiful orb, vowing never to let anything coming between them, eclipsing and hiding the both of them from the world, and from themselves. Yes...although fickle, material, shallow and trivial...sometimes the thing that can save a relationship, is learning about the effect of the limelight...learning to wear it and learning to share it. So here’s to hoping you both learn to shine...

The Wall - Part 2

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can surely hurt me...something I’ve learnt in life is that the one thing that has the ability to puncture, rupture, demolish and destroy the walls we build for ourselves, encompassing our fragile hearts, are not physical objects made by man, or powerful forces in the sky, the sea or even from dry land, but the sound of bone-grinding, callous words...simple sounds uttered from a tiny orifice on a fragile, human body, bending and break the wavelengths of sound, cutting through the air like an arrow, darting forward faster than the speed of light, piercing through a mighty and solid wall, digging far deeper than just the empty shell of a human heart, breaking the seal of mind and spirit, and tearing into the deep abyss of a man’s soul.

Yes...some walls were built to trap people in, and others meant to keep some at bay, but there are some walls that were simply built to protect nothing more than the human spirit. I’ve erected the monument and brought it down, treaty after treaty I’ve allowed allies into the mighty fortress, not realizing that all men, wise men, free men, wild men, lost men, great men, strong men and even good men – are nothing more than just men...only human...only safe...until they find something they do not want within the confines of the wall. Nicolo Machiavelli said this “it is far easier to be feared than to be loved”, and perhaps he was onto something. You see love is a difficult thing to take care of, worse than a pet, more complex than a plant...love needs too much to support it at times, and is too fragile a thing to define, confine, rely upon and commit to. It requires grooming, pruning, watering, tending, time and patience, speed and pace, support and independence, freedom and restrictions, all in too exact amounts that are too hard sometimes to calibrate, measure or distinguish...love is simply too hard at times to maintain. Fear on the other hand, is easy to find, easy to maintain and easy to subject larger groups of people to, than that which love can barely manage to sustain. Love must be rationed, while fear can be gathered and distributed in abundance. If you choose to maintain an empire with love, you will easily be regarded as a great leader...but step out of line in even a fraction, and love will turn to apathy, apathy to anger, anger to hate, and an entire empire will come crumbling down within itself, leaving you with nothing. If you choose to maintain an empire with fear, you will easily be regarded as a powerful leader...but swing an iron fist too hard and fear will turn to outrage, outrage to riots, riots to an uprising, and an entire empire will be impaled by the mighty hammer of war. So how does one decide, when the outcome of either is nothing more than a tragic ending for everyone.

The truth is, walls are too costly to maintain, and when you let too many people in, you end up putting out more than you should be willing to give, so why not bring the wall down halfway, and instead of having too many tenants enter your heart, simply have neighbours who can support you and each one can support each other? Freedom in moderation is the meaning of independence and the basis of democracy and the pillars of capitalism and the perfect structures to a unique, civilised world. So I’m not disposing of the wall, but simply building a good and sturdy fence. After all, as a famous poet once said “good fences make good neighbours”, and neighbours make good friends, and friends make the best support you’ll ever find in life. After all...sticks and stones can break my bones, but friends are there to support me...

The Look

There's an old saying...that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Now in acting and performance art, they teach you that most of your emotional performance can be achieved by manipulating the audience into believing whatever you want them to believe, simply by capturing the feeling you want them to see inside your eyes. What they don't teach you or even remotely prepare you for, is how powerful the emotions in the eyes can be, especially when those strong feelings are directed at you. While it started innocently, just with a random glance, developing into a snaring gaze capturing all of my attention, building into a dangerous stare, leaving the both of us open and vulnerable, shackling both our hearts, leaving us both open to attack, no weapons, no armour...just a look.

But something about my look and something in my eyes told him the message deep within my soul long before I was ready to deliver it. And the more he read it, the more he sank deep within himself, and there I saw it...the look...watching him drift further and further away, deeper and deeper backwards into his eyes, losing himself in the darkness of his own regret, his heartache, his hopelessness, his longing...but nothing prepared me for...the look...a simple look...a look I feared...just eyes, saying one word...DISAPPOINTMENT. An no, nothing prepared me for that, the moment he gave the look of disappointment. And just as I was knocked down, standing 10 inches from a man, yet feeling so far away from him, staring back into an empty space, deep within his soul lost somewhere in his eyes, he knocked me right back down, after breaking the news to him, he did the harshest of things...he slowly sank his eyelids shut...like a bulldozer digging deep into my soul, a grave for the human spirit...bulldozing the hope right out of my heart.

No, they don't prepare you for the simple things left deep in the eyes...the look. It's easier when it's all those good things, like Joy, Happiness or even Excitement...but when it's Heartbreak, nothing is more dangerous and painful than a heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, disappointed...Look...

Smile

You will never understand it, and can never comprehend
How hard it is to stretch your lips, and smile from end to end.
With every facial muscle tensing up for a short while,
When your heart is broken, you'll never know how hard it is to smile.
When life has got you down, and nobody seems to care,
They carry on frivolously, and leave you standing there,
To face the demons of your past that hurt you deep within.
And now it seems the hardest thing to do is just to grin.
But nothing hurts you more than seeing everyone having fun,
While you alone deep in despair, just feel the urge to run.
Surrounded by the laughter that cuts you like a knife.
The jagged blades just seem to mock you and your pitied life.
No you will never understand or even comprehend,
How deep the wounds of life have run, which I alone must mend.
But I have never backed from a challenge, not even as a child.
So here I go...Life watch me now! ...Facing you... with just a SMILE :D

The Act

I’ve held my breath for far too long, and tip toed behind the stage, waiting for the slow hum of a group of string instruments beckoning the audience to bring their hustle and bustle tumbling down to a gentle murmur, knowing full well what the silence implies, carefully watching the side-stage crew pulling their leavers and egging the performer to take centre stage while curtain warmers are drawn to the side, signalling that the grandeur act is about to begin, just before the stage lights up and the house lights are dimmed...slowly...yes, slowly...the silence bites deep within my chest, tearing my heart from the deep abyss where it lie, like a misplaced puzzle piece that’s been too hard to find, or an unwilling cavity waiting to be filled...slowly I feel the cold chill creep up my back as I begin to realize that once again the hour of judgement...the Act...is about to begin...

As the main curtain is drawn, and the backstage lights are dimmed, the low-lights exposing the backdrop are lit, giving the performer a setting, a placement, an atmosphere, a point from where the journey begins or ends, whichever way the story goes, but a place nonetheless...I find myself staring back at glaring eyes trying, fighting desperately to break the facade, destroy my character, tear down the fourth wall, pulling everything aside...hoping...desperately hoping...to find the missing piece...the hidden piece...the part of the play that lost itself in a foolish game of hide and seek...an audience tearing down the suspension of disbelief, the dimension of the entire performance, trying hard than myself...trying to find ME...

Yes...I have found that life is all an Act, a grand performance of players and plays, of lights and glitter, smoke and mirrors, tricks and illusions, masked by a curtain, backdrops and trapdoors on a stage. But beyond all the pretty lights, and the vivid colours, the fanciful stories of fantastical creatures, of mighty heroes and powerful foes, I have found that the greatest trick of all was merely fooling myself into believing that all of this was real...But the real world is dangerous that way, fooling you into believing that there are real heroes, and fanciful gardens of life, and breathtaking sunrises, sunsets and dusks...There simply is no happy ending, all we can do is make do with what we have, and realize that this is as good as it gets, and that the only happy ending we can hope for is that we learn to be happy with ourselves...with who we are...with who we were meant to be...

This is the truth...the cold truth...the great illusion. Life, Love and Happiness is merely all part of The Act...

Reset & Replay

You know how sometimes when you're watching a really good movie, and you get to a scene that you really, really love...whether or not you loved the actors, or the cinematography, or the set design, or the director, or even anything else about the entire film...you can't help but keep rewinding the reel all the way back to the beginning of the part that you felt made you happy, and made you love any particular part of the film at all...I've begun to feel that way about my life altogether.

Some people can reminisce, contemplate or even try to relive their glory days, or try to string together memories or glimpses of the past, back to places and periods in their lives where they felt inspired, motivated, liberated, invigorated and simply more alive within themselves than ever before. For some people it's a heartache, a fleeting memory, a lost hope and even a broken dream...but somehow for me, I feel it's what makes life worth living...Because surely you don't live life just to see yourself through the next day? Yes, life is about growth and about developing yourself into a better being, or trying to get closer to where you were meant to be and become who you were meant to become...yes...but sometimes, yes sometimes, all life can be, are those small glimpses, those vivid memories, those moments of happiness, where everything and everyone in your life, for a brief second, seems to be in its most perfect disposition, in perfect harmony with the life you're living.

But the sad truth about some films, is that they are designed to have ups, downs, climaxes and anticlimaxes, and there are bound to be scenes or actors in them that we certainly do not agree with, appreciate or care about all together...moments in a film that we simply wish were not part of the script, part of the film, built into the final cut or even drafted at all...But life is not a movie, and unlike the position we find ourselves in when we're just a spectator...in life, we are involved and can choose which direction we want to go...sometimes, we are allowed to simply reset things back to where we felt comfortable with who we are, delete the scenes that we feel don't belong there, and replay things in the order that we feel is best for us. Many people can say that we shouldn't live life with regrets, and the truth is, I don't...but there are some bridges that must be burned, some reels that must be edited out, some scenes in our lives that simply cannot make the final cut, and some actors that have to be "ex'd" from our lives...loose ends, no matter what you think, are simply strands that once formed part of a whole on a body, are simply useless and must be trimmed and thrown away...

Yes...this is my life, and I am the director...and one does not always have to listen to critics and reviews...after all...nobody else can understand your vision, your design concept, your narrative dynamic flowing from one event to another, or the purpose of each individual scene building from act to act, each flowing and building toward the climax of your life's purpose...no, nobody can understand it. This is my life, and in the end I want it to be the director's cut, my version...Because if one day you find yourself in a position where your life is flashing before your eyes, you at least want to make sure that it's got a damn good trailer...and if not for any other reason, but this...then sometimes, yes sometimes, it is better to Stop, Reset, Replay and Recover...

To Welcome Discomfort

So firstly...here are a few sayings I've heard, that have made me wonder about a little thing called change..."Don't get too comfy", "Comfort is not a style", "When you're comfy, it's time to change"...all of these making me wonder only one thing...so lets look at things from this perspective:

Whenever someone says "don't get too comfy", it's usually a warning that things are about to change. It's to try an tell the person on the receiving end, that things have become complacent, nonchalant, boring or simply unchallenged. It's the type of warning that makes one become somewhat precarious about the position your in, the place you find yourself, the time you find yourself in, and makes you look at other options of simply getting out.

Or when Fashion Consultants tell someone that "Comfort is not a style", it usually implies that comfortable clothing equals to unfashionable clothing, much like frumpy, unattractive, colourless, shapeless clothing.It usually means, that the only way to know that something looks gorgeous, fashionable, stunning and stylish, is when something feels unbearably uncomfortable, like heels, or corsets, or dresses and shirts. Another warning that tells you to change.

But the most recent and oddest, simply unorthodox saying that I've ever had the pleasure of my ears coming across, was to hear someone saying "When you're comfy, it's time to change". This made me think a lot about the concept of change, and of how change relates to growth, life and new adventures. Life is meant to be about growth, about adventure and how those two things teaching us how to become better versions of ourselves - moving us closer towards our dreams, visions and great aspirations. However, this also opens up the frightening idea, that when there IS change, there must also come the possibility of great, painful and excruciating discomfort. People are always telling each other to change, and that "change is good", and that all things in life come from change, but what they don't tell you is how exceptionally hard it is, and that the process is long and simply discomforting.

Because here I was, hoping to change, hoping to grow, and hoping to start a new adventure in my life, not even for a fraction of a second thinking about how hard the change is really going to be, not just for me, but for everyone else too, not realizing that with a change would come a shift in my entire life, my entire lifestyle, shaping and remodeling whole lives that were built around mine, on top of mine, supporting mine and even creating mine, not for a moment taking the time to understand how discomforting and difficult this was really going to be. But I should have guessed, and should have been grown up enough to know that change could never be easy. But somewhere deep down inside I must have realized that this was going to be difficult for everyone...otherwise why would I fear it so much...why would I have been so afraid of this change.

So the fact of the matter is that Change with Comfort isn't change at all, and that Discomfort with Change is simply Discomfort. That without Discomfort, there isn't Change, without Change, there isn't Growth, and without Growth, there is no Life...so why fear it at all. Embrace it...embrace Change...embrace Life...the idea...the simple idea...is to welcome Discomfort, and say "Hello" to Change.

The Cocoon

Strange isn't it...how some things in life are better left alone. Better left untouched, unchanged, unmoved...just simply understood and left alone. But here's the difficulty in that. There is a deep, dark, uncontrollable desire deep within the human soul to poise everything in life toward the direction of change. We long so badly to control everything, that we have even blindly, and selfishly disillusioned ourselves into thinking that we can control, overpower, manipulate and master even the smallest fractions of Life itself. Like a child who follows a caterpillar, and sets it on a tree, and lets it feed on the lush green leaves, hoping, watching and anticipating for the day the tiny creature will grow...learning more and more about the beauty of the 100 legged thing, about the burden it bares, about the journey it's traveled, about the the road it still has to overcome. And then one day, that little child will find that the friend he knew, and learned to love and appreciate has vanished, and all that's left is a hard and stony cocoon.

Now we all know and understand the concept of the caterpillar, and it's evolution into a cocoon, and that from the cocoon will emerge a butterfly, a thing of beauty, a creature of delight, the signature upon springs beautiful canvas. However...what they don't talk about is the hardest part of the process of it's growth, not just for the caterpillar but for the person watching too...the period they don't talk about, is the concept of leaving something well enough alone, the space needed to let things grow, the time it takes for something in life to become more than anyone ever thought possible including itself...what they don't talk about...is Distance.

When you grow close to something, and share an incomprehensible understanding with it, an undeniable connection, a bond unlike any other - the hardest thing to bare, is the waiting, the wondering, the longing, the wanting, the needing, the intoxicating desire to want to simply touch the hardened shell and split open the thinly built layer, the crusty shell, the protective barrier, the fine space needed between friends, the one thing that allows that beautiful, tiny fraction of nature to actually grow into something wonderful...that much, they don't tell...they don't talk about the distance. You see, some things in Life simply cannot be controlled, manipulated, overpowered and undermined. Some things in Life must simply be left well enough alone, or you risk shattering a gravely important process in Life, a crucial moment of evolution, the crescendo to that which lifts us to the highest point of growth in our life...and then, all your left with is an unborn butterfly, a broken cocoon, and a dying caterpillar...simply the fragments of what once was a beautiful friendship...

So the truth is, that if you want things to grow, let them happen naturally, in their own time and space. Because some things are simply left well enough alone. Because like most things on Earth, in Life...like all good friendships...they simply require a little Patience...and some Distance to grow.

About a dark room...

Have you ever seen a dark room, or ever been inside. It's a room that's filled with images, memories, hopes, dreams, desires, joy and laughter, beauty and wonder. But as any photographer would tell you...that within the confines of the dark room. Deep within the stony walls, trapped within the lair of Time, shut off from the outside world, like broken promises hanging from a line, latched to pegs grasping at the corners of a forgotten thought, there are many, too many...negatives. The problem with a dark room can sometimes be quite obvious, but sometimes hidden, and sometimes misunderstood, often used to process thoughts that ones eyes simply cannot see, but what the right tools can alter and what the only the mind can tell...that thing is simply the darkness. But in the dark room, memories can be distorted, images can be changed, dreams can be erased and laughter turned to sadness...all within the confines of a lonely, dark room.

For too long I found myself in a dark room, staring at forgotten memories, unfamiliar faces, dreaming up things that simply never happened, trapped within the mind distorting darkness of a cold and minute space, with only the random thoughts hanging from a time line that I thought I understood, only to find myself trapped in all the pictures, staring at a forgotten thought, a distant memory, a broken promise...a completely unfamiliar, unrecognizable me. There were always negatives that surrounded me, pictures trapped within my mind, never revealed, never understood, never dealt with, forever unchanging. These were the things I had to discover, explore, reveal and understand, but for fear of finding an undeniable truth, I simply could not muster the courage to press the picture against the clear pool of solution, waiting for the taint of life to peel away the darkness that all this time blinded myself from myself, simply waiting for my whole life to be torn apart by the real memories of a forgotten me.

Pity...one thing I didn't count on was Fate...the great daughter of Time...the duchess of Chance...wisp of the Future...shade of the Past. And Fate it seems, simply had other plans for me. And I know they can't be plans to keep me here in the darkness, but simply directed to a brighter future...because you see...As any photographer would tell you, the thing that makes a dark room work, is the darkness...so why is it that the door to the room now stands open, bringing in a mighty flood of light erasing all the memories of regrets, disappointments, broken promises, forgotten dreams, frowns and sadness, disdain and destruction...why? I know this much...that the light feels better than the darkness, and that the cold and feelings INSIDE the room pales in comparison to being OUT...I know Fate has a brighter future for me...not trapped within a dark room...no...a future OUT in the light...

About Love...

Now for a long time I've never believed in this foolish, frivolous, idiotic and senseless term called love. The deep, cruel infatuating pleasure that causes victims to willingly lay themselves down on an altar of desire, seduction, passion and pain, waiting in anticipation to be sacrificed to a cause unknown to them and all those who worship this mighty and unseen god...A GOD called by many names...Venus, Cupid, Aphrodite and Eros, to name but a few, but none so powerful as the intoxicating, venomous, enticing Gorgon herself, slithering about, hissing her name - Amore - yes...LOVE!

Now knowing all this, and having girdled myself to withstand any type of attack from the mighty force, I learned how to resist any alluring trap that may have tried to coerce or manipulate me into any form of vulnerability that could render me helpless and susceptible to suggestion...And yet...here I stand, stubborn as ever, tired of resisting, cracking beneath the weight of my deep and unmatched denial - I stand here, a victim of Love...

Not turned to stone by a slithering Gorgon, or hurt by a heartless harpy, jinxed by a wicked witch or broken by the might of a hammer swung by a colossal god - NO! I stand here blissfully, ignorantly, naively, honestly, gently, sweetly touched by an angel, moved by a force I could not possibly comprehend would shake me up in ways I never thought possible.

Now there's nothing that anyone can teach you about an unseen god, or an unwavering force, or an invisible aura, or the feelings that come with it. There's no lecture, no canticle, no prayer, no incantation, no book, no scroll, no manuscript, no song, no bible, no painting or glyph of light - Nothing. All I can say, is that when everything, and everyone in your life, for a brief and unimagined moment, makes sense to you, then you know that you know, that without a shadow of a doubt, you are suffering from the same condition as I...

I'm in Love...

En Route To A Dream

Now interestingly enough, all journeys begin with a dream. Whether they were just a vision, an epiphany, or some inclination that one was meant to be somewhere...a dream is still the first step taken along a journey to Life. And here's the thing about a journey...like all roads they have a map. A map that's meant to guide us along the safest pathway to our destination, the clearest route to reach our calling, or sometimes...the hardest road to find our fate.

Like many maps, sometimes things become complicated, the lines on the pages fade, the distance between the source and the destination become warped, and everything simply becomes hazy. You see, we all have dreams, and we all know what we want in life at some or other point in our life...it's complications that make us wonder...and I mean this in both ways. Complications cause us to stray along forgotten pathways, cause us to forget the route we're travelling, and eventually you lose the breadcrumbs you left behind to guide you back in the event of you getting lost; complications also cause doubt, skepticism and soon renders us susceptible to suggestion, allowing any other waypoint arrow or voice to misdirect us onto roads that we were never meant to travel at all, to destinations we were never meant to meet.

The moment you hit a snag you see...is the moment you need to find courage and confidence, both in the map that you've drawn up for yourself, as well as confidence in your abilities and within your character. Because walking off even slightly along a different path, will cause you to hit another detour, and from there another and another. Pretty soon you'll find yourself in a place you don't want to be, surrounded by people you don't really know, people who don't really know or care about you, doing the things you never thought you would, in a time you can barely even remember...Soon you lose yourself, you lose your focus...you lose your dream.

Because here's the difference between two paths. A subtle difference you rarely will see. A path long ago constructed, and journey long ago begun...The one will guide you to a dream...the other will simply become your fate...so which path have you chosen? Or should we be asking, where have we found ourselves today?