The Look

There's an old saying...that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Now in acting and performance art, they teach you that most of your emotional performance can be achieved by manipulating the audience into believing whatever you want them to believe, simply by capturing the feeling you want them to see inside your eyes. What they don't teach you or even remotely prepare you for, is how powerful the emotions in the eyes can be, especially when those strong feelings are directed at you. While it started innocently, just with a random glance, developing into a snaring gaze capturing all of my attention, building into a dangerous stare, leaving the both of us open and vulnerable, shackling both our hearts, leaving us both open to attack, no weapons, no armour...just a look.

But something about my look and something in my eyes told him the message deep within my soul long before I was ready to deliver it. And the more he read it, the more he sank deep within himself, and there I saw it...the look...watching him drift further and further away, deeper and deeper backwards into his eyes, losing himself in the darkness of his own regret, his heartache, his hopelessness, his longing...but nothing prepared me for...the look...a simple look...a look I feared...just eyes, saying one word...DISAPPOINTMENT. An no, nothing prepared me for that, the moment he gave the look of disappointment. And just as I was knocked down, standing 10 inches from a man, yet feeling so far away from him, staring back into an empty space, deep within his soul lost somewhere in his eyes, he knocked me right back down, after breaking the news to him, he did the harshest of things...he slowly sank his eyelids shut...like a bulldozer digging deep into my soul, a grave for the human spirit...bulldozing the hope right out of my heart.

No, they don't prepare you for the simple things left deep in the eyes...the look. It's easier when it's all those good things, like Joy, Happiness or even Excitement...but when it's Heartbreak, nothing is more dangerous and painful than a heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, disappointed...Look...

Smile

You will never understand it, and can never comprehend
How hard it is to stretch your lips, and smile from end to end.
With every facial muscle tensing up for a short while,
When your heart is broken, you'll never know how hard it is to smile.
When life has got you down, and nobody seems to care,
They carry on frivolously, and leave you standing there,
To face the demons of your past that hurt you deep within.
And now it seems the hardest thing to do is just to grin.
But nothing hurts you more than seeing everyone having fun,
While you alone deep in despair, just feel the urge to run.
Surrounded by the laughter that cuts you like a knife.
The jagged blades just seem to mock you and your pitied life.
No you will never understand or even comprehend,
How deep the wounds of life have run, which I alone must mend.
But I have never backed from a challenge, not even as a child.
So here I go...Life watch me now! ...Facing you... with just a SMILE :D

The Act

I’ve held my breath for far too long, and tip toed behind the stage, waiting for the slow hum of a group of string instruments beckoning the audience to bring their hustle and bustle tumbling down to a gentle murmur, knowing full well what the silence implies, carefully watching the side-stage crew pulling their leavers and egging the performer to take centre stage while curtain warmers are drawn to the side, signalling that the grandeur act is about to begin, just before the stage lights up and the house lights are dimmed...slowly...yes, slowly...the silence bites deep within my chest, tearing my heart from the deep abyss where it lie, like a misplaced puzzle piece that’s been too hard to find, or an unwilling cavity waiting to be filled...slowly I feel the cold chill creep up my back as I begin to realize that once again the hour of judgement...the Act...is about to begin...

As the main curtain is drawn, and the backstage lights are dimmed, the low-lights exposing the backdrop are lit, giving the performer a setting, a placement, an atmosphere, a point from where the journey begins or ends, whichever way the story goes, but a place nonetheless...I find myself staring back at glaring eyes trying, fighting desperately to break the facade, destroy my character, tear down the fourth wall, pulling everything aside...hoping...desperately hoping...to find the missing piece...the hidden piece...the part of the play that lost itself in a foolish game of hide and seek...an audience tearing down the suspension of disbelief, the dimension of the entire performance, trying hard than myself...trying to find ME...

Yes...I have found that life is all an Act, a grand performance of players and plays, of lights and glitter, smoke and mirrors, tricks and illusions, masked by a curtain, backdrops and trapdoors on a stage. But beyond all the pretty lights, and the vivid colours, the fanciful stories of fantastical creatures, of mighty heroes and powerful foes, I have found that the greatest trick of all was merely fooling myself into believing that all of this was real...But the real world is dangerous that way, fooling you into believing that there are real heroes, and fanciful gardens of life, and breathtaking sunrises, sunsets and dusks...There simply is no happy ending, all we can do is make do with what we have, and realize that this is as good as it gets, and that the only happy ending we can hope for is that we learn to be happy with ourselves...with who we are...with who we were meant to be...

This is the truth...the cold truth...the great illusion. Life, Love and Happiness is merely all part of The Act...

Reset & Replay

You know how sometimes when you're watching a really good movie, and you get to a scene that you really, really love...whether or not you loved the actors, or the cinematography, or the set design, or the director, or even anything else about the entire film...you can't help but keep rewinding the reel all the way back to the beginning of the part that you felt made you happy, and made you love any particular part of the film at all...I've begun to feel that way about my life altogether.

Some people can reminisce, contemplate or even try to relive their glory days, or try to string together memories or glimpses of the past, back to places and periods in their lives where they felt inspired, motivated, liberated, invigorated and simply more alive within themselves than ever before. For some people it's a heartache, a fleeting memory, a lost hope and even a broken dream...but somehow for me, I feel it's what makes life worth living...Because surely you don't live life just to see yourself through the next day? Yes, life is about growth and about developing yourself into a better being, or trying to get closer to where you were meant to be and become who you were meant to become...yes...but sometimes, yes sometimes, all life can be, are those small glimpses, those vivid memories, those moments of happiness, where everything and everyone in your life, for a brief second, seems to be in its most perfect disposition, in perfect harmony with the life you're living.

But the sad truth about some films, is that they are designed to have ups, downs, climaxes and anticlimaxes, and there are bound to be scenes or actors in them that we certainly do not agree with, appreciate or care about all together...moments in a film that we simply wish were not part of the script, part of the film, built into the final cut or even drafted at all...But life is not a movie, and unlike the position we find ourselves in when we're just a spectator...in life, we are involved and can choose which direction we want to go...sometimes, we are allowed to simply reset things back to where we felt comfortable with who we are, delete the scenes that we feel don't belong there, and replay things in the order that we feel is best for us. Many people can say that we shouldn't live life with regrets, and the truth is, I don't...but there are some bridges that must be burned, some reels that must be edited out, some scenes in our lives that simply cannot make the final cut, and some actors that have to be "ex'd" from our lives...loose ends, no matter what you think, are simply strands that once formed part of a whole on a body, are simply useless and must be trimmed and thrown away...

Yes...this is my life, and I am the director...and one does not always have to listen to critics and reviews...after all...nobody else can understand your vision, your design concept, your narrative dynamic flowing from one event to another, or the purpose of each individual scene building from act to act, each flowing and building toward the climax of your life's purpose...no, nobody can understand it. This is my life, and in the end I want it to be the director's cut, my version...Because if one day you find yourself in a position where your life is flashing before your eyes, you at least want to make sure that it's got a damn good trailer...and if not for any other reason, but this...then sometimes, yes sometimes, it is better to Stop, Reset, Replay and Recover...

To Welcome Discomfort

So firstly...here are a few sayings I've heard, that have made me wonder about a little thing called change..."Don't get too comfy", "Comfort is not a style", "When you're comfy, it's time to change"...all of these making me wonder only one thing...so lets look at things from this perspective:

Whenever someone says "don't get too comfy", it's usually a warning that things are about to change. It's to try an tell the person on the receiving end, that things have become complacent, nonchalant, boring or simply unchallenged. It's the type of warning that makes one become somewhat precarious about the position your in, the place you find yourself, the time you find yourself in, and makes you look at other options of simply getting out.

Or when Fashion Consultants tell someone that "Comfort is not a style", it usually implies that comfortable clothing equals to unfashionable clothing, much like frumpy, unattractive, colourless, shapeless clothing.It usually means, that the only way to know that something looks gorgeous, fashionable, stunning and stylish, is when something feels unbearably uncomfortable, like heels, or corsets, or dresses and shirts. Another warning that tells you to change.

But the most recent and oddest, simply unorthodox saying that I've ever had the pleasure of my ears coming across, was to hear someone saying "When you're comfy, it's time to change". This made me think a lot about the concept of change, and of how change relates to growth, life and new adventures. Life is meant to be about growth, about adventure and how those two things teaching us how to become better versions of ourselves - moving us closer towards our dreams, visions and great aspirations. However, this also opens up the frightening idea, that when there IS change, there must also come the possibility of great, painful and excruciating discomfort. People are always telling each other to change, and that "change is good", and that all things in life come from change, but what they don't tell you is how exceptionally hard it is, and that the process is long and simply discomforting.

Because here I was, hoping to change, hoping to grow, and hoping to start a new adventure in my life, not even for a fraction of a second thinking about how hard the change is really going to be, not just for me, but for everyone else too, not realizing that with a change would come a shift in my entire life, my entire lifestyle, shaping and remodeling whole lives that were built around mine, on top of mine, supporting mine and even creating mine, not for a moment taking the time to understand how discomforting and difficult this was really going to be. But I should have guessed, and should have been grown up enough to know that change could never be easy. But somewhere deep down inside I must have realized that this was going to be difficult for everyone...otherwise why would I fear it so much...why would I have been so afraid of this change.

So the fact of the matter is that Change with Comfort isn't change at all, and that Discomfort with Change is simply Discomfort. That without Discomfort, there isn't Change, without Change, there isn't Growth, and without Growth, there is no Life...so why fear it at all. Embrace it...embrace Change...embrace Life...the idea...the simple idea...is to welcome Discomfort, and say "Hello" to Change.

The Cocoon

Strange isn't it...how some things in life are better left alone. Better left untouched, unchanged, unmoved...just simply understood and left alone. But here's the difficulty in that. There is a deep, dark, uncontrollable desire deep within the human soul to poise everything in life toward the direction of change. We long so badly to control everything, that we have even blindly, and selfishly disillusioned ourselves into thinking that we can control, overpower, manipulate and master even the smallest fractions of Life itself. Like a child who follows a caterpillar, and sets it on a tree, and lets it feed on the lush green leaves, hoping, watching and anticipating for the day the tiny creature will grow...learning more and more about the beauty of the 100 legged thing, about the burden it bares, about the journey it's traveled, about the the road it still has to overcome. And then one day, that little child will find that the friend he knew, and learned to love and appreciate has vanished, and all that's left is a hard and stony cocoon.

Now we all know and understand the concept of the caterpillar, and it's evolution into a cocoon, and that from the cocoon will emerge a butterfly, a thing of beauty, a creature of delight, the signature upon springs beautiful canvas. However...what they don't talk about is the hardest part of the process of it's growth, not just for the caterpillar but for the person watching too...the period they don't talk about, is the concept of leaving something well enough alone, the space needed to let things grow, the time it takes for something in life to become more than anyone ever thought possible including itself...what they don't talk about...is Distance.

When you grow close to something, and share an incomprehensible understanding with it, an undeniable connection, a bond unlike any other - the hardest thing to bare, is the waiting, the wondering, the longing, the wanting, the needing, the intoxicating desire to want to simply touch the hardened shell and split open the thinly built layer, the crusty shell, the protective barrier, the fine space needed between friends, the one thing that allows that beautiful, tiny fraction of nature to actually grow into something wonderful...that much, they don't tell...they don't talk about the distance. You see, some things in Life simply cannot be controlled, manipulated, overpowered and undermined. Some things in Life must simply be left well enough alone, or you risk shattering a gravely important process in Life, a crucial moment of evolution, the crescendo to that which lifts us to the highest point of growth in our life...and then, all your left with is an unborn butterfly, a broken cocoon, and a dying caterpillar...simply the fragments of what once was a beautiful friendship...

So the truth is, that if you want things to grow, let them happen naturally, in their own time and space. Because some things are simply left well enough alone. Because like most things on Earth, in Life...like all good friendships...they simply require a little Patience...and some Distance to grow.

About a dark room...

Have you ever seen a dark room, or ever been inside. It's a room that's filled with images, memories, hopes, dreams, desires, joy and laughter, beauty and wonder. But as any photographer would tell you...that within the confines of the dark room. Deep within the stony walls, trapped within the lair of Time, shut off from the outside world, like broken promises hanging from a line, latched to pegs grasping at the corners of a forgotten thought, there are many, too many...negatives. The problem with a dark room can sometimes be quite obvious, but sometimes hidden, and sometimes misunderstood, often used to process thoughts that ones eyes simply cannot see, but what the right tools can alter and what the only the mind can tell...that thing is simply the darkness. But in the dark room, memories can be distorted, images can be changed, dreams can be erased and laughter turned to sadness...all within the confines of a lonely, dark room.

For too long I found myself in a dark room, staring at forgotten memories, unfamiliar faces, dreaming up things that simply never happened, trapped within the mind distorting darkness of a cold and minute space, with only the random thoughts hanging from a time line that I thought I understood, only to find myself trapped in all the pictures, staring at a forgotten thought, a distant memory, a broken promise...a completely unfamiliar, unrecognizable me. There were always negatives that surrounded me, pictures trapped within my mind, never revealed, never understood, never dealt with, forever unchanging. These were the things I had to discover, explore, reveal and understand, but for fear of finding an undeniable truth, I simply could not muster the courage to press the picture against the clear pool of solution, waiting for the taint of life to peel away the darkness that all this time blinded myself from myself, simply waiting for my whole life to be torn apart by the real memories of a forgotten me.

Pity...one thing I didn't count on was Fate...the great daughter of Time...the duchess of Chance...wisp of the Future...shade of the Past. And Fate it seems, simply had other plans for me. And I know they can't be plans to keep me here in the darkness, but simply directed to a brighter future...because you see...As any photographer would tell you, the thing that makes a dark room work, is the darkness...so why is it that the door to the room now stands open, bringing in a mighty flood of light erasing all the memories of regrets, disappointments, broken promises, forgotten dreams, frowns and sadness, disdain and destruction...why? I know this much...that the light feels better than the darkness, and that the cold and feelings INSIDE the room pales in comparison to being OUT...I know Fate has a brighter future for me...not trapped within a dark room...no...a future OUT in the light...