Living & Dying

Whilst many people may come to fear the idea or even the reality of their mortality. Yes, many people fear death. And for those that don't fear death, they fear for the things and the loved ones they leave behind, that it may fall into the torment of decay without them being around. But I tell you, I do not fear death, and I do not fear for the things I leave behind...But I fear for the things I leave unsaid, for the dreams that I never lived, and for the nothingness I leave behind... No, I don't fear death. What I fear happens everyday, sometimes many times a day...What I fear is dying.

I fear the little deaths each day, and the slowly dying and decay. The parts of me I've had to bury, and the sacrifices for each day. I mourn the loss of the innocence in child-like fun, and for the six-foot trenches that memory had made. The wilting of compassion that once blossomed for each spring of appreciation, and the nonchalant lending of a hand.

I dread the gravestones that stood in my way, reminding me of cherished passions.  The stone-cold stark remarks of their bitter and unwelcome engravings, echoing the miseries of my lives long ago laid down to rest.

I curse the miscarriages of my dreams, my passionate achievements which could have soared to greatness. Like tumours, already dead parts of me, forced to be extracted and cut from my life.

But most of all, much worse than the long-drawn tragedy of dying, I fear the four walls of a glorified cage, like a tomb built for the living who are placed there slowly to die. For no matter how big or how small, what manner of material make up it misshapen bars, or the luxury of it's habitat...A cage is still a cage, and just another word for a coffin. No, I do not fear death, I fear the pieces and stages of my life...slowly...dying.

Stains - Part 1

Anyone who really knows me usually knows my wardrobe - it's littered with white. And as obsessed as I am with whites and light greys (in my 30s), unfortunately, I'm a total klutz. My husband usually knows it's me by following a spill trail of food, or drink, on my clothing. Yes, I'm prone to stains. But it doesn't stop me from wearing my whites.

Over the last few months I've been going through a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. Weird things have been creeping into my mind - foreign things, feelings I'm not familiar with, thoughts that keep spinning over and over in my head when the room goes empty or late at night. Things like loyalty, trust, friendship, dependence, freedom, responsibility, commitment, security... I'm one of the most confident people I know - ask anyone who knows me. But consolidating all these thoughts have only made me realise that every one of these recipes have the same ingredient... DOUBT.

I'm a complete workaholic, overachiever, who goes the extra mile for everyone, and a brilliant juggler. But never in my life have I wrestled with doubt, especially in my friendships, in my family, and worse of all, myself. But now, all the hats I've enjoyed wearing all my life have this horrible stain on them called doubt. Naturally, when I spill something and I can't get the stain out, I rarely throw it away. I often keep it in my closet hoping that one day I'll get the stain out so that I can confidently wear it again. But how do you pack away a relationship, a responsibility, a commitment, a feeling? You can't. It's ruined. You'd probably have to just... throw it out.

It's been a while since I've written. Since I've had to have a little one on one with me. And I realised I've just been too busy to get through a little love and a load of laundry. I don't have the answer. Not now. And call it what you want... Doubt, stains, depression, whatever. I simply have to figure out what the hell I plan to do with it. Because until I do, I don't really have whites anymore... all I have left are stains.

Beware of Sailing

The seas are wide, wild and unforgiving. And if you're gonna sail it's rough waters, be mindful of the wind. It'll raise your sails and keep you moving forward, but just as quickly it can change direction. And there's nothing worse than capsizing in open waters.

But the real trick about sailing with the wind is learning how to control your rudder, knowing when to hoist your sale and when to bring it about. And if you don't keep a firm grip of your rudder, you'll end up losing control and the sea will take you, claim you and break you. Because the truth is, unlike the sea with its tides and it's beaches, it knows where to end and which way to flow. The wind, however,  it has no rules, and can't be told what to do and where to go.

And just like life, in its rough and unforgiving climates, be mindful of the breeze that keeps you steady, it'll change direction quickly till all you're left with is the gail. So learn quickly, the rules about sailing, because you never know which way the wind will blow.

Pain & Pleasure

As a good saying goes - "One man's junk, is another man's treasure". But it's very rare that one hears the saying "One man's pain, is another man's pleasure"...

Similarly so, I find it interesting how one thing can bring good memories flooding back to an individual, whilst they sometimes only remind us of much darker days. And ironically, the same memories of those darker days in our lives, are sometimes shared with the same subjects that now finds only solace in the blurred memory of its happiness. Who mistake the undeniable wrongs for vague rights.

And like scars remind us of wounds, it's always the painful memories that you remember quite vividly, and the good memories that become only shades of shadows in the blurred silhouette of memory. And that's not to say that those wounds haven't healed, but rather that scars are so easily torn open once again.

But it is in time and in love that we must slowly learn to place our trust. After all, it is time that heals all wounds, but it is up to love to dress it it, tend to it and protect it. It is in love that we look to for guidance when we make those same mistakes and show us the line that divides pain from pleasure, and how feint that fine line becomes.

Autopsy

Living the type of life I've lived, having grown up and matured as quickly as I did has taught me many things about life, love and most of all...compromise.

I've never regarded the glass being half empty or half full as any matter of concern, I have always only seen the glass and its condition and probability for being either a positive or negative force. That's about as black and white as I've ever been able to deduce particular facts in and around my life. And with all the wisdom I've gained, I've never considered myself in these regards, but rather that at least the majority of the affected be affected in the best possible way, whether that included me or not. And even if after dissecting my perspectives, my understanding is undermined by the deterrent of my compassion, then my wisdom will not forgive the scars that my compassion leaves behind.

So yes, I may reason and rationalize things in a manner consistent to that of running an autopsy...But the fact remains that the last thing I should be called is inconsiderate. The tears that filled the wells of my life have all been rich in the nourishment they got from all my considerations, and those wells have turned to dams which no strength in a wall can further contain. Yes, life is full of compromise, and once again I find myself at the end of one. And as is true to my nature, I have the choice of choosing to understand and decide based on what lies at the end of the microscope, or follow what my compassion drives me to believe but cannot quite clearly see through a blurred spyglass.

Seasons

As the last of the warmer seasons leave us, we suddenly feel the cold reality of life, moving swiftly by like a sudden rushing wind. And as the memories of our liveliness, so suddenly, fade to pale browns and greys, the bite of winter's breath reminds us that the old season is gone, and that its time to let go and face the even greater, frosty horizon. So too in my life I feel the sudden plunge that turns to a fast free-fall, as if my soft, leafy landing had vanished and all that remains is the deep and long abyss of simply living.

And there are times it seems that the elements of winter, such as deep chill of a quiet hush, and the crackling of frost as it envelopes us, all too quickly takes over the place that we once felt the warmth of the season we grew too used to being in. And like a thief in the night, the bite of winter has silently changed our surroundings, stolen what was left of our beautiful summer, and left us with the cold, unending night. But stepping into a new season is never easy, especially when the evergreen are all too fond of reminding us that we're simply out of place. Nothing more than bits of twine and twigs, without the lush of the green we once were clothed with, and completely fruitless in a season we suddenly realise we do not belong in.

But the truth that rings out is that with winter comes the rain, and the deep silence required to mourn the passing of a good season. A chance to rebuild and to regrow for the harvest yet to come. For there is no room for new beginnings, without letting go of the past. And there cannot be growth after a harrowing winter, if we're weighing ourselves down with the memories of a summer's past. So I'm appreciating the warmth I'm blessed with through the frost, to endure me beyond the winter till spring comes at last.

Equation

Its an interesting thing to consider, when one thinks of how to reason "purpose" in life. That if everything in the world can be summed up, rounded off, multiplied and divided, to a fraction of 'heaven', and somewhere in that enormous equation, still manage to find you. And if, like Einstein suggested, the world is simply made up of compressed, recessed, recycled and re-used energy, then how does one find purpose, for a purpose that is truly significant and special to you?

With all our mistakes, misdirections and imperfections in life, how is it we manage to find space for an unreasonable thing like love? For it in no way has an equation, or a reason or quantifiable reaction, nor does it have perceived methodologies that define it or bind it in any way. So then how do we describe it, define it, compose it or refine it, if there are no compounds to collate its unique sum?

The answer is simple and the equation is this, that love has no fraction or part in its whole. It can therefore only be defined by the source we find it most in, and can summarize its equation from the results we find in ourselves. And that no matter how the measure of your life seems at any point, that even the positives and negatives add up to the perfectly rounded you.

Desperation

There is a very fine line that sometimes separates the wants and needs in our lives. A veil between what is truly required in order to sustain a present or continuous level of being, and what our minds convince our hearts to long for in order to be complete. The divide between the desires of hearts and the restlessness of our minds. A line, a veil and a certain divide, all easily overthrown by the power of our own unwavering desperation.

Yes, the level of a man's desperation can drive him to many things, and at the same time hold him back from too many good things, can blind him from all the right things and sunder his conscience from realising which is which. For it is through desperation that he sees without sight, only the thing he wants, and not the obsession he is exposed to. And using the power behind its relentlessness can assure that man of his victory and failure in what matters most. Because what matters most is always seen from one angle, and every angle of perspective, but one perception which remains true. But even through perception, desperation lies to us, and throws what matters onto an alter as a sacrifice worth making for.

But ignorance does not excuse a man from what lies between the veil, beside the line and over the divide, for it either makes us human or in the worst case, inhumane. Desperation too has a price, that all too late, a man will bear, if he chooses it and uses it to get what he wants and leave behind what the soul truly needs. Like oxygen, truth is the sustenance for the soul, and if its not this need that desperation has led you to. In truth the thing we often fin ourselves desperate for is nothing more than a desire that's just not worth fighting for.

Flashback

There are times when I sit back and relax, and try to glance over the chapters in my life that have played a significant role in shaping and changing who I was at that time, and evolved and developed my way of thinking to the mindset I find myself living with today. And I often wonder if the choices I made were the best ones at the time, if they were only suited for that time, and whether or not they were right for my future, my current present or just the situation at that time. And like a photographer going through the stills of each deciding moment, the pinnacle of choice and the height of indiscretion, that perhaps I could've done more, or should have done less, that perhaps the quality of my results could have somehow been better.

It is in these times that I find profound meaning to Shakespeare's wise and poetic words. That "All the world is a stage, and the men and women merely players", and that in each defining moment, we pass into another simple 'act' and that each enlightening moment is just another chapter, and then perhaps each provoking choice is nothing more than a climax...standing at the brink of change...waiting for the eruption of a resolute fact. It is in this moment that we must realise, that time waits for nobody, and is always fleeting, and that whatever choices we do make, will ultimately become who we are, or at least how the world sees us.

Yes, life is like a script, a play, a film, a song or an unscripted moment. And every choice we make, we put ink to paper, song to sheets, and light to a strip along life's un-ending plain. And although life may seem un-ending, as individuals we must come to an end. So one day you'll find that heart-wrenching moment, much like pre-premier of a new blockbuster film...And on that day, when your life does flash before your eyes...the least you may want to do is make sure you're in for a good trailer. Define your life, each and every day, with each and every moment, in your own unique way.

From Where You Stand

Isn't it amazing how the world changes from where we stand. That from a birds-eye view, a mountain, is just another grain in the sand. And that as we move through our world from day to day, seeing ordinary people in ordinary places, to a man who has nothing in his own world, those ordinary things to us, are quite extraordinary to them. That a simple line in the sand becomes deeply dug trenches to the ant journeying through his day. And until we learn that the only obstacles that are placed in our lives, are only there on the condition of our very own perspectives.

So it baffles me how easily it is to exert so much energy on stress alone, then using all your reserves on fixing a problem, that from another perspective, was never a problem at all. And that's not to say that life is not filled with problems, but only the reality that we simply need to change the way we see and deal with another everyday thing. There will always be problems for as long as there is change, and as long as there is change there will always be solutions. Yes, as long as there are problems, there are millions of perspectives, and to find the right solution, you will have to apply a change. Because the size of a problem changes, depending on where you stand against it, and as such, a solution changes it feasibility depending on which perspective applies.

It is through change that we encounter problems, but change is inevitable in order to promote growth. And if change is the catalyst for an ever evolving problem, then change in kind must be the solution, to solve a problem evolving with change. So change your perspective, and change your solution, for it will change your problem and your life from where you stand.

Rekindle

Like a spark awakened from an ashy past, it only takes a cinder from a spark to ignite a flame. And in an instant a flash is seen, and a searing fire is heard, biting through the cold and damning the night. And just like that something small was motivation enough to bring this blog to life again. It was hard tearing my fingers away from the keyboard, or my hands away from the ink in my pen, but as a writer I feel far too compelled to do what life calls me to do, and just write.

You see frost slips through silently, and is strengthened by the night, and the dark of the evening sets the icy cold alight. And in the morning when you wake, you find your world frozen...without life and without growth...inside you fall apart. And yes frost slipped through the cracks of a strong wall, that I built with my own hands, but failed to support. And even through the darkness I tried to maintain all the upkeep on a wall that should have remained intact. But whether it could, or that it should is not a matter of fact, but a high hope that fell from my own naivety.

So once again the wall is rebuilt, and come the day it was needed, it shall be rebuilt again. Till my hands are no more, and used the last ink in every pen. But still I will remain, with all the words in my heart, and every syllable in my head, and every movement on a page that becomes a blog out in cyberspace. No, words cannot be killed, and like a cinder in the air, it will always rekindle a flame in the hearts of those out there.

Ping

Interesting that in this world of Instant Messaging, Email, Broadcast Messaging and Social Networking, every now and then we come face to face with the realisation, that under all the technology, we still have our humanity. That in a world of political correctness, censorships, laws, jargon and colloquialisms, there's nothing quite like communicating on a basic human connection. And as it happens, I have only begun to fully realize how true and real this connection is when it happened at such a level that made me disappear for a minute or so, deep in thought of these facts, and ask myself...What has happened to our humanity in all a world of "Instant Living"?

We want to live things through sooner rather than later, get more done faster, and get everything done better, and to be able to do all of these things over further distances than ever. And in all this fast paced living, what has happened to the appreciation of the Here and Now? Its not that life has passed us by and when we realised things have changed, all of a sudden we're stunned...In fact its us moving too fast for life, to the point that we haven't slowed down once to notice the changes taking place...changes that we have created ourselves.

But one day you'll happen across the same connection as I did, as few of us did...Like pulling up to a red robot, and at that very moment looking into the next lane to find someone stopping at the same time, staring them in the face, and simply smiling...and you'll find the most remarkable thing will happen, when the next person smiles right back at you. And you'll realize, that above the mail alerts, the instant messaging and the social networking, that nothing is more remarkable, than the human connection...Like a human 'Ping'.

Earning Life

In life we must learn, that nothing comes from nothing, and that the only way we can ever benefit from anything that this world has to offer, is when we invest in something first. Whether it be a good deed, a financial investment, or even personal growth, we cannot simply expect something to manifest itself out of this ridiculous notion of "positive thinking", "karma", and "mental actualization". It is through action that a reaction is brought into being, not by sheer will. So it then baffles me, to the point of irritation, that some people simply expect the universe to grant them good tidings, when they have not earned it.

Then there's this idea that if you're a good person, good things will simply happen to you. This cannot be the case in a universe that relies on an input and output system. If you're a good person, who does good things, with love in your heart and of good and sound judgement, then all that makes you is simply a good person. You do not get rewarded for being good in this world, it is a basic expectation of your own humanity, not a gesture of greatness or the work of a man struggling to be great. Goodness is a character, and goodwill is mindset, just as dieting is a phase and healthy eating a lifestyle. If you want to reap the rewards of goodness, it will be done accordingly from those who have noticed your goodwill, or from those who a positively affected by it. But do not expect this to happen as a matter of principal, it is a reward that comes only to those who aren't looking.

Understand this, as simply as breath gives life, that good things don't happen to good people, because bad things happen to them too. And that sometimes out of ignorance, with the notion of being good, we can make poor judgements and bad decisions. Because sometimes the worst decisions are made with the best intentions. If you want something out of life, you have to work, work harder and happier, towards your own dreams, and manifest your own happiness. Because even your place in life, has to be earned.

Return In Kind

There are many arts of progress and social behaviours, that not only define us as people, but as a society and as an individual. And since the universe is run by systems of cause and effect and the overall progression and evolution of small actions that ultimately create extraordinary reactions and changes to the world we live in. That even the slightest change in the wind's direction can cause a complete shift in the weather and the landscape we live on, or how small seismic incidences can change whole tides in seas, wreaking havoc and destruction!

Now likewise there is a saying in human nature that teaches us the concepts of "Tit for Tat", or biblical concepts of "Sowing & Reaping", and even scientific concepts of "Push and Repel". And this crazy idea that if someone wrongs you, all that is naturally expected is for you to return the gesture in kind. But what does that say about human nature? That if we are pushed, we simply push back? And judging how we've evolved naturally in our environment, that since the world became harsh, we simply grew stronger and fought off the changes, adapted and survived. And somehow we've applied the same laws in society, that when the world grows cold, we grow colder, and when things don't go our way, we attack anything and anyone around us, in the hopes that somehow the universe will magically turn things in our favour.

But I have learned a crucial piece of information, that has, I think, helped me become a better person, a happier person with a sound mind. Call it the hypothesis of Life and Living if you will, but I figured, that since the universe works on the concepts of Cause and Effect, what would happen if I reacted in a different way to a negative incident, with positivity? Would this not negate or somehow change the set rules of circumstance, and does this not make the situation seem better for me and everyone else? And so far I've come to understand the method to my madness. That if someone wrongs you or if things simply don't go your way, don't return the gesture in kind...But return it in Kindness.

Swimming Upstream

There are things in Life that can sometimes be predicted easily, right down to the most intimate detail, such as measurements, or calendar days or the changing tides in seas. Or much larger things like earthquakes, or eclipses out in space. And it all usually comes down to the scrutiny and study of tracking moving and activity of a particular subject. But how do we then assume the basic instinct of predicting the behaviours of something eratic like the weather...or even more so...a person.

The truth is, we are all creatures of habit, and live according to routine. It's the reason why society has devised and adapted to things like laws and infrastructure, that ensure that there is balance throughout our everyday living. And as human beings, we've adaptapted quite well to the process of evolution, and have also become unpredictable in our ability to change and conform. So are we not then flexible creatures who live outside the boxes of habit and routine? After all, we change in order to keep up with change. But the truth is, it is within human nature to resist the elements, and to challenge our environment that we're surrounded by, how else would we survive.

So then the question is this, in Life, is it better to be flexible, and to change as changes come, and as we learn new things in order to survive? Or do we simply resist change, to ensure the survival of our own individuality and our own ideas, visions and opinions? Because in the end, one way or another, change and adaptability all depends on making life easier for ourselves, in order to survive. Or are we simply kidding ourselves, and like salmon...swimming up against the stream of Life and Evolution.

Making Happiness

Isn't it funny how the most expensive ingredients are usually the most delicate ones, and the ones that are hard to come by are the ones with the shortest longevity. Its generally the case that to make the best recipes, we always require the best ingredients, and that the best ingredients come at the highest price, and even after all that searching, saving and spending, the expiration date still doesn't seem far enough away.

And so it is with life, that the best ingredients to Happiness are the hardest ones to find, such as Love and Laughter. And then there are the ingredients that come at a higher price, such as Success and Patience. And its not as if the processes of mixing, kneading and baking are easy, because most often, finding the balance of all these ingredients can be tough sometimes. Even if you've accomplished all this, life still has a funny way of showing us that even the best recipes for Happiness does not make it last any longer.

So yes...Most often, good things are not really meant to last, otherwise they lose their value. And life knows just how to bring us crashing down, just when you've reached the summit of bliss, not to be spiteful, but to teach us humility. But just because happiness has an expiration date, doesn't mean I'll stop buying. Because even through good and even through sad times...This is my life...And nobody and nothing will stop me from smiling.

Baggage

I have found that sometimes in losing, we gain a lot more in life, than in holding onto baggage that simply keeps your life plane soaring above its limits. And sometimes we may find that there is baggage in our life, that we simply never thought to be baggage at all. Like most things in life that are often not what they appear to be, 'friendships' can resemble the kinds of cargo that one would rather have filled with great treasures, when in fact they're simply a lot more baggage than anyone should be willing and able to bare.

In airports, there are luggage counters, where one has to be checked in with all your luggage before you can get onto a plane that will take you to your desired destination. And at these counters a luggage check is undergone by a clerk who uses a series of mechanical and technical devices, all done to ensure that whatever you're taking along with you, does not compromise the security and safety of the flight, and does not result in defying the laws that keep the society moving as smoothly and effectively as possible in the location your journey will be ending at. You're also only allowed to take along a certain weight of baggage onto the flight, so often people only take along the absolute essentials, to make sure that they're not wasting any measure on things that they don't need to carry along with to their destinations.

So then one has to wonder, if so much stock is taken, and so many measures implemented, all for the sake of ensuring that you have a safe and enjoyable journey from your place of origin to your desired destination, then why do we find it so difficult to do the same in life? Because sometimes one has to do a luggage check, and ensure that what you're carrying are only the absolute essentials, and to simply dump the rest and enjoy your flight. Because if its not there to add value to your journey, then its not luggage your carrying, then its baggage instead.

Brands of Love

Sometimes Love can be like a drug, and just like any addict, one has to find out which is your preferred 'high', and what takes you to the mental, physical and emotional state that you want to be. In essence, its about matching a particular user, to a particular drug, and from there it gets tricky...Its time to find your brand. Because not all are the same, although it may be a specific drug. The method in which it was made, from its point of origin, until the point of purchase or collection, and you can only expect to get out of it what has already been placed in there. But sometimes, there are ways to concentrate, and even enhance your particular drug.

Firstly, there are 3 categories within which the selection process of Love and the usage and practicality of it fall under. One can either attain all of them, one of them, or be blessed enough to have all three. The first understanding is this, that to practise Unconditional Love, requires a test of Character. The second is, that to practise Love Against All Odds, requires a test of Courage. The third is, that to practise Everlasting Love, requires a test of Commitment. But like most drugs, there is a strict prerequisite, a mandate that must be adhered to in order to practise the fine art of Love altogether. The rules are clear and mandatory to all, because in order to practise LOVE...we simply require Compassion.

For in our Character, we find that we can make good decisions, for better lives, and great loves. In our Courage, we can overcome fear, the unknown and accomplish miraculous things. And with enduring Commitment we negate the perils of infidelity and unfaithfulness. But it is through Compassion that we learn the true art of Love in our forgiveness. You see, just because someone does not love you the way you want to be loved, certainly does not mean that they're not loving you with all that they have...The art of loving is perfected through life and living, and sometimes they're just not the brand of love you're looking for.

Expect The Excepted

Ghandi once wrote about every man loving his neighbour, and that the result would be that no man would be without love. Muhammed wrote about loving ones enemies, so that you may receive love unconditionally in return from Allah. Christ wrote about loving your neighbour as you love yourself, as he loved the the church. But one way or the other, it all begins with YOU.

If we, ourselves do not know the meaning of Love, then how can we be expected to show it to another? And Love they say, begins with knowing who we are, and if we do not know that, then how can we know of Love? But in order to know ourselves, we have to bode questions, and it is this that people fear...Questioning oneself. You see, the thing we fear is not what we'll find once we start asking questions about who we are, it's about what we won't find that scares us. We fear that we'll discover that all the things that we thought make up who we are, is in fact not there, and that this whole time we've been living the illusions of who we want to be, who we thought we were, and in essence...living in the contrary.

Yes, Love requires Introspection, and is mandatory in a relationship, and cannot be excluded or excepted in the discovery of Life. When Introspection becomes an exception, then the only choice left from a small selection of Life choices, is to choose not to Love. And the only thing then left to question is this...Is Life and Living really worth not loving in?

Amplified Silence

I have learnt that everything in the universe emits a unique and particular sound...a series of vibrations, squashed together that form waves of sound. Now I have come to know a very particular sound in my life, and it too has a very unique series of vibrations, in fact it has one long flat line...it’s called the sound of silence. And it’s not the kind of silence you get when you take away all the noise, the music, the ambience or the voices in the room. It’s the kind of silence you get when you take away the beautiful sound that once came from a thing, a place, a person...that once occupied a special space.

Now unlike music on a radio, or the volume on a television...this is the kind of sound that cannot be toned down, or turned off, or drowned out or blocked at all. You see most sounds come from a place on the outside, in a place, in an environment, from an external source...but this kind of sound came from a place much closer to home, much closer to me, from me, part of me, inside me, the only part inside me that really counts...my heart...my soul...and it has a name...Love.

To make matters worse, the sound that once occupied the space, the place...my heart...was the one thing that drowned out the noise in my life, the distractions, the problems and the moments where things seemed like they couldn’t possibly get worse...and now the sound is gone, and in its place...Silence...the chilling hush of a scary hum...like the low frequency sound that comes from a speaker playing absolutely nothing. And lately the sound of the silence has been growing louder, becoming more apparent, and almost deafening. Yes there’s nothing more annoying, more distracting and depressing than the sound of the emptiness...when silence is amplified.