Over the last few months I've been going through a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. Weird things have been creeping into my mind - foreign things, feelings I'm not familiar with, thoughts that keep spinning over and over in my head when the room goes empty or late at night. Things like loyalty, trust, friendship, dependence, freedom, responsibility, commitment, security... I'm one of the most confident people I know - ask anyone who knows me. But consolidating all these thoughts have only made me realise that every one of these recipes have the same ingredient... DOUBT.
I'm a complete workaholic, overachiever, who goes the extra mile for everyone, and a brilliant juggler. But never in my life have I wrestled with doubt, especially in my friendships, in my family, and worse of all, myself. But now, all the hats I've enjoyed wearing all my life have this horrible stain on them called doubt. Naturally, when I spill something and I can't get the stain out, I rarely throw it away. I often keep it in my closet hoping that one day I'll get the stain out so that I can confidently wear it again. But how do you pack away a relationship, a responsibility, a commitment, a feeling? You can't. It's ruined. You'd probably have to just... throw it out.
It's been a while since I've written. Since I've had to have a little one on one with me. And I realised I've just been too busy to get through a little love and a load of laundry. I don't have the answer. Not now. And call it what you want... Doubt, stains, depression, whatever. I simply have to figure out what the hell I plan to do with it. Because until I do, I don't really have whites anymore... all I have left are stains.